Post #2 NTOO= NOT THE ONLY ONE!
Trauma-Divorce& Dating
Howdy!,
As I had mentioned before this blog was birth from a recent relationship. And I know that I promised no teasers , but I feel as if we need some back story to fill in some of the gaps, so this thing will make some kind of sense. Warning up front this will more than likely be a to be continued. I was married to a woman for almost twenty years and we have two healthy, fairy balanced kids, as far as divorce goes. I want to apologize in advance if I hash up old feelings that you thought you had put to bed along time ago. And this is my story, so these are not broad brush ideas, thoughts or memories, all mine!. Divorce in itself is a trauma , and that impacts everyone differently. I will be the first to admit that it has long lasting repercussions. No matter what the events of that story was , you are forever charged by it. For myself, as I look back and I think upon God’s word that says the two shall become one, and then it further states that it is a mystery ,as to how that happens. I’m not trying to wierd anyone out here, but at the time I literally felt as if I was being torn apart from myself. I remember mornings of sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee, nope scratch that, a pot of coffee, my Bible and just talking to God, very few times without tears. We didn’t get ugly with one another, but we didn’t play nice either. Even Until this day, we are not on speaking terms, her choice, not mine. Our oldest, is a daughter and for some reason she handled it so much better than our son did. A sixteen year old at the time , with a very impressionable heart, and he still carries heavy scars Until this very day. Everyone’s story is different as to whether there were addiction problems, infidelity, financial issues, even that one they love so much in the state of California, irreconcilable differences. And you know that a lawyer came up with that one. I’m not going to bore you with the details of the death of our marriage, because you may have your own issues that you are dealing with. I will say this , we lost focus of what was important and it became just as deadly as all of the before mentioned things. I also believe that is why it hurt so much, and at the root cause…selfishness, on both of our behalf. I’m not ever going to tell you that I’m a person without regrets, I have plenty of them, and our marriage was just one of many. I spoke of the “Trauma “,but what I have learned is all to many times we bring trauma into the marriage with us and it is something that was never diagnosed, declared, or in most cases, we were completely unaware and oblivious to the tag along. But its there, much like a tick sucking blood off of a pet, or that cholesterol building up plax in your arteries, and left untreated, it becomes a killer. I don’t want to underestimate the importance of this because in this day and age, most of us carry some kind of wound, or unresolved hurt. As I said before completely oblivious to the root cause of it, not ever suspecting that it would wreak mischief on our marriages or future relationships. Looking back , I see it all so clearly now, but not before I was standing over the grave of our marriage. Forgive me , I am struggling with what to share and how much, everyone has their dirty laundry and things that they don’t want the light of day to ever see. I’m not some sort of Casanova, but prior to being married, I sowed my wild oats. Again, not something I’m really proud of but it is part of life, especially here in the west. I say that because prearranged marriages have higher success rates, and I bet many of you were surprised by that. I bring that point up because this may be a place where, much of that pre- trauma is created and originates from. At least that was true for both myself and my ex. Just a little snippet, mine went back to a child that I had out of wedlock my senior year of high school. For my ex wife, hers had something to do with and an old boyfriend who was a little to physical with her and not in a good way. I’m going to say that mine is a little bit more complicated than hers,but none the less damaging. I’m going to use her story instead of mine to demonstrate how we bring trauma into our relationships. My ex was from a small town in the Midwest and if you have no frame of reference for that, neither did I, but its something everyone should experience at least for a weekend. She was the middle child, with two brothers, one older, and one younger. In most small towns just about everyone knows everyone else. Ok, let’s cut to the chase. She was dating this guy who use to slap her around a little bit, and this guy, use to bowl with her father. Her father had warned her on the front end, before she became involved with him,of what kind of person he was. And of course as teenagers we have all the answers and our parents are stupid. Here’s the trigger or kicker if you prefer, her father did not rescue her from her situation and continued to bowl with the guy. You don’t know me, but I would never allow someone to mistreat my daughter even if she had dug herself a hole. Her father took a hands off approach, and the following took place, they got married , it continued.on, she escaped by joining the navy, and there is such a thing as a quickie Divorce in the state of Kansas. What my ex took away from this was that ,she couldn’t trust men, and always had to take care of herself. Personally I love a strong independent woman, but, you need to have trust in a marriage and you need to be on the same page with things. She brought that into our relationship and was completely unaware of the lurking waiting to burst forth. I don’t blame her, I was just as emotionally damaged, marked by betrayal and an abortion, another story for another time. I only bring this up because far to often we truly don’t know who’s wagon we are hitching up to. And yes! It even plays out today in this last relationship, but in a totally different manner. So , what i have concluded is that far to often we are at a disadvantage moving forward into relationships or marriages because of unresolved trauma. I know that since the Gulf War many of us have become much more familiar with PTSD,but it has been around for a very long time, just undiagnosed. Its been present in every war and in every Divorce regardless of how admirable you think the two of you were. Again, in the west we are just better at self medicating, or for most guys being able to compartmentalize . Trust me when I tell you that I was very light here, and did my best to try and gloss over the highlights without bringing to much of the pain to the surface. I get that some of you, may have or still be dealing with much more serious and compelling issues and I am by no means trying to stifle or suppress your grief. And yes I said grief , a divorce is the death of something that was at some point very much alive, and is now no longer with us, therefore it should be greaved. I’m going to wrap this up now and I want to throw my two cents in as if it is worth anything. If you are in the throws of, or leaning towards a divorce, please think it through and give it all that you have, especially if you have young kids involved. I will never encourage someone to stay in a dangerous situation, so if you are being beaten or threatened in anyway, please seek help and get out. If you are like we were and just seem as if the thrill is gone, or we aren’t clicking anymore, roll up your sleeves and do the hard work to make it work, it will be rewarding, and remember , what doesn’t kill us, you, or the relationship, makes you stronger. And if you are a person of faith, draw in close to God, and remember that He can accomplish way more if you will allow Him to, no matter what the pain or loss is. It takes two to make it work and two to destroy. I’m not sure that I adequately covered trauma and divorce here, but I want to push forward with the dating aspect next time, so if you have a follow up, or want to make a comment, please do and don’t forget to subscribe!
So until next time ✌
Sandy the Southerner.
Sent from my T-Mobile 4G LTE Device
