- Not The Only One!
- Post# 50
- “The Lament “
- Howdy! And once again welcome! This is a post that has been in the works for months and I hope to shed some light on it and why it has taken months to see the light of day. While this post is pointing backwards, it is by no means ancient history, at least not for me ! The word Lament, in case you are unfamiliar with it , means a passionate deep heart felt expression of loss and grief, and possibly a little regret, even though its not a part of the original intent and meaning. Even if you are unfamiliar with this word, I am sure that it is something that you have experienced in your life at some point. I will confess that this has been the most difficult thing that I have ever attempted to put words to. I won’t keep you in suspense about this one, but its the close out and the turning of the page on Ms. Annomuis. I have a little bit of a following and you guys have been asking for this, so here goes, lets jump in. Some of you have accused me of letting her live in my head rent free, and there is some validity to that. It has been over a year since we last graced one another with each other’s presence and months since we have shared anything of substance as in a phone call or a mere text message. It has been an incredible journey, and if I had it to do over again, I would probably be like Nancy Reagan’s drug campaign slogan from the eighties and I would” Just Say No”☺️☺️☺️ Honestly none of us run towards pain and heart ache, but if we don’t some how grapple with and embrace it, we will never grow and become stronger. Please hear my heart on this one ,when I speak of growth and becoming stronger, that is not a euphemism for refusing to trust again, or to closing yourself off, and hunkering down, hoping to never be hurt again ,and sadly I believe that is partially what is wrong with Ms. Annomuis. The pain, betrayal and heart ache was also real, but so has the growth been . Stick here with me for a minute. I met this very interesting lady online, we shall refer to her as Ms. M, she is a nurse from the great state of Ohio. Ms. M. her libido powered by a nuclear power plant, and she is just another broken person, just like all of the rest of us. She made a mistake and some would say a colossal one, but I don’t judge her, because at least she owned her junk, when so many are playing the blame game or passing the buck. She had an affair, and while I understand and have empathy for someone when they aren’t having their needs , sometimes sexual needs met in a relationship or marriage ,but for the life of me, I don’t know what possessed her to think that the marital home was a viable option for that. Ok, so her husband must have been a little suspicious, because he had set cameras up all over the house, you guessed it …Busted!. What pursed after that crosses over into the realm of Jerry Springer, and one of the best smear jobs , probably conducted in recent memory. Her husband went ballistic and attempted to match her rude behavior, by making copies of her indiscretion, and in one of his lowest moves ,even giving copies to their adult children, which two of them still don’t speak to their mother to this very day, can you say ouch!. Lets ,face it, there are just certain things that you just don’t need to know about your mother and especially don’t need to see.☺️ He posted some very unkind things on social media and even took it to her place of employment. He was severely hurt , wounded and humiliated, understandably so, but he is the one who chose to make it public. She had to move from the small town that they were living in. Trust me when I tell you that I’m simply giving you the readers digest version of this story .☺️ So, why did I take the time to share that story? I wanted to paint a picture of how deep the pain was and give you something to compare it too. I am not a kiss and tell kind of guy, so I won’t be airing all of our dirty laundry here. This brings me to much of my internal struggles with myself and my faith. This has been a very difficult process for me on a number of fronts, and brought some very weighted conflicts and challenges to my faith. My faith took center stage, because of all the things that we shared and connected with, that was the one glaring hole in our relationship. In fact it was one of my two great cardinal sins that she just couldn’t over come. She didn’t understand the concept of having a personal relationship with God opposed to the rituals of going through the motions of trying to be good and seen as a good person. The other one was the fact that I had been married more than once, which could be splitting hairs, because a failed marriage is a failed marriage, but somehow one is acceptable and more than one is not. Everyone has their individual standards that they self imposed on themselves and others. I will find myself in the past , present and future within this one post . I know that some of you won’t get some of the spiritual implications of this post, however if it leads you to any questions or an extenuating thought processes, please feel free to hit me up for follow up and as always you are welcome to leave your comments. This post has ripped at my heart and soul, and on some level, I’m extremely ashamed of that. I’m ashamed because I didn’t respond to this in love, and as a Christian, if you don’t grasp the concept of forgiveness, then the elevator is not going all the way to the top. ☺️☺️However if some how ,my shame and broken pride, can help just one single solitary person to avoid this or to somehow heal from this as I have had to do, then I will lay it all on the line. First things first, there is such a thin line between love and hate. Yes, I know that is the name of an old Motown song. The before mentioned example of Ms. M and her husband is a stark reminder as to just how thin that line can be. In the beginning, just like in the Bible, things were pretty close to perfect, well as perfect as it can be with imperfect people involved. All I know is that I met this amazing, beautiful, funny, attractive lady, and I loved her like no other. I felt and believed that to be mutual, but not so much! The end of this relationship left me deflated and more so angry, than anything else. We made to much sense together not to work , however, I now know that my over confidence in my ability to love her into the relationship was much overstated . I was extremely angry, because I was led to believe that we were moving in a direction that would have made her my very last first kiss, and who knows, that may still be the case. The challenges to my faith were intense and also left me feeling a little distant from God. This is on me because, all throughout, God had warned me not to run ahead of Him, however I saw His leading and I just ran with it, and we will double back to that later in the post. God knows things that we don’t know and that is one of the many things that makes Him God. He knew the difference in our understanding of love and how it differed, I would not discover that until later on. Much of this came down to me wanting to return the pain that I had received. I think that Ms. M’s husband was over the top, but I understood it, not saying it was right, and of course we are all familiar with two wrongs don’t make a right. It’s very natural to want to hurt someone who has hurt you, I guess the irony is that these are often the people we profess to love and care for. My struggles here, is that God calls me to have a supernatural response, not a natural one. This is the primary reason this post has taken so long to see the light of day. God has required of me, what can only be done in His power. I feel like Jacob wrestling with God. He has over and over again said that I couldn’t say or publish certain things. The ensuing months have been me very slowly coming around to God’s perspective on this one. God’s ways are much higher than mine, and I have spent months trying to convince Him that my perspective is a little valid as well. I have spent months curbing and cutting back my critique and criticism of her. I want her to get it, some how if I could just air it out, some how she would see the mistakes of her ways, and God said, not so much! He explicitly said “NO”. He said it’s not my job, not my place and not my responsibility. I know personally what it’s like to go a long time, or a long ways without getting “IT”. It’s that old horse to water thing. My points of contention have been widdled down to , she is not who I thought she was , she is not even who she said she was, and I’m not even sure that she has any idea as to who she is behind the mask. She has a daughter in her late twenties, who has a boyfriend that she absolutely can’t stand. She doesn’t believe that he treats her well, but she had no problem with treating me the same way that her daughter’s boyfriend treats her. I on some level would just love to run with this, but again God is exercising parental control over his often slow child. I’m familiar with the more Flys with honey thing, but again, who wants to draw flys?☺️☺️ . Of course I get it, use your words wisely, because they possess the power of life and death, and if you think not there are plenty of cases of online bullying, which have not turned out well. If you will be so kind as to let me put an explanation point on this at the end of the post. Ok, so let’s turn the page. I have reflected on some of my old evangelism training and three questions come to mind. They are what did we learn, because if you take nothing away, probably doomed to repeat it again, regardless of how hard you try not to. The next question is what did we do well, and lastly what could I have done better?. Even though both of my kids are in their early thirties , you never stop being a parent and taking advantage of teachable moments, and that is precisely what God has done with me. As I have said, I’ve been walking through this for some time, attempting to make sense of it all, and as usual God has gone way beyond my expectations. One of, but probably not the absolute first is that God has turned my anger into sorrow for her and towards her. I genuinely feel sorry for her. It’s not that I’m some super catch that she threw back, it’s about her seeking to be comfortable over growth. I’ve often wondered how many people aren’t in heaven because of my poor representation as to being one of God’s kids, and I hope and pray that is not the case here. I understand how hard it can be to pull away from the crowd of tradition, when everyone around you looks the same, and you want so badly to fit in and be excepted. Let’s face it, it’s really safe at the shallow end of the pool. It can be extremely uncomfortable, when people talk about talking and hearing from God, it makes them concerned that they aren’t having similar conversations. I further understand people who are afraid to let someone love them deeply or closely and how they may sabotage things and look for reasons for things not to work, opposed to them flourishing. Some people want love , but at the same time carry some secret shame, that makes them feel unworthy of being loved. This may be the number one reason that keeps people away from a relationship with God. The last thing that I want to do here is to come off as childish or petty, not saying that I couldn’t be those things, just hoping not today and not here and now. I have a friend down in Raleigh and she is sixty years old, never married and no kids, some think that odd, but we all make choices and sometimes missed opportunities. I only say that because she told me about an encounter that she had when she was in college. She had a guy love her so hard, that it just scared her. Later down the road she discovered that it was the real thing, and never found another to match up to that. Sometimes we are just one and done, just ask Dan Marino ☺️☺️. If I was to take all that I have learned and trade it for something less than, such as less pain, that would be foolish on my behalf and the equivalent to trading the words of God for a psychic reading, and those are just guesses, vague and nonspecific. So let’s lay down some truth. Sometimes the things that we count as tragic, horrible and yes, heart breaking, God sees as opportunities for great growth ,increased wisdom, and intimacy with Himself . It may appear as a huge loss or defeat, but often God just has something better in store for us, and He is asking us to let go, so that we can move forward, just like on the monkey bars☺️☺️. When we can’t see what God is doing that is a place of faith. Let’s double back from earlier. I said that I saw God’s finger prints all over this relationship and I stand by that absolutely. It reminded me of when my wife and I were on the fence, God wanted to do something there, to repair, restore and to make new, and we collectively said no thank you. The same is true here, God is only willing to work in situations upon which we are willing to allow that. God used the story of the sermon on the mount, to illustrate this to me. Immediately after the sermon, God directed His disciples to get in a boat and go to the other side of the lake. They were precisely where God had directed them to be and they found themselves in the most fearce storm of their lives. The outcome wasn’t what I wanted it to be, but I was where I was supposed to be, so that God could train me and increase my faith. God uses tough things to shape our holiness . One of the biggest lessons to take away is that our past doesn’t define our future. Anyone can tell you where they have been, and you may be able to ascertain that without their imput, but not everyone can tell you where they are going. What else did He teach me? I’m so glad that you ask. If you have been here since shortly after the beginning than you know that I told you that I believed that everything in my life be it positive, or not so much!, was in the hands of God. He took every victory, every tragedy, everything and all of the things and groomed me and was preparing me to be the best potential partner that I could be. What I learned is how to listen and be attentive. I listen to all of the details of her day and all that was going on with her. I took the position, that if she was sharing, then it was important for me to listen and engage, didn’t matter how many times she had gone there before. My role was full support and back up, didn’t matter how much or how little, I was supposed to be like one of Glady’s Knights pips☺️☺️. I was giving, didn’t matter what it was, I always put her before myself, whether it was something as simple as making sure that she was on the inside of the sidewalk as we walked along the street, or if it meant giving her my credit card over the phone because she left the house without hers. Then God turned on the patients, I didn’t care how long it took for her to get ready, or how often she was late for an engagement that we had together, even if it was something as simple as a set time for a phone call. All along with that came understanding and I just wanted to work through every little insecurity that she had, again it didn’t matter what it was, if she perceived it as a hit to her self esteem, then I was there to reassure her. when there was things that she did not get or understand, I tried to patiently explain them to her, without coming across as a know it all. I was an honest sounding board and always tried to lift her up and to edify her. I was caring, I was affectionate, loving, giving patient, understanding, supportive and just not the average bear☺️☺️. This part was the most painful part for me and it reminded me of another conversation that I had with God about me thinking that I was a great husband, and God , said not so much! , brutal honesty, said in love. God said all of the husband stuff that I was so proud and confident about , He said was just a starting point. If you can’t relate to that one, perhaps it’s the story in the Bible with the rich young ruler. He was trying to impress Jesus with his piety. He told Jesus that he had kept all of the commandments since he was a child, and wanted to know what else he could do to justify himself. God told him to go and sell all that he had, give it to the poor and then come follow him. Well, let’s just say, it left a really big frog in his throat that he just couldn’t swallow ☺️☺️ It always goes to the heart of the matter. Jesus gave His all for us, and very rarely ask the same of us, but He always knows that one thing that we are holding on to, that is keeping us from growing and producing fruit, so His inclination is to cut it back, or to prune it out of our lives. What was my one big take away? God wanted to teach me about unconditional love . I think this is something that most of us think that we have down, but perhaps, not so much! I have been on the record as to how this was a love like no other for me. God wanted me to know what it is like to love unconditionally. I gave her all of me, and got very little of her. I’m not a dummy and I knew that, just thought at some point her actions would catch up to her words. No matter, this was never about her, but about what God wanted me to learn about myself. Was it painful, hell yeah!!, but I grew and I’m better for it. This is precisely how God loves, He loves extravagantly and most people don’t get it, or understand it, and I’m definitely on the backside of not understanding it, but I’m grateful and since I’m human , I hope that my taking that for granted will become less and less over time. God loves us and gives us the freedom to not care or be flipped about it, real love , and really unconditionally. The bad news is , if you only love those who love you, then your love is probably conditional and contingent upon said love being returned. I don’t know if I said I promise or not, but I did make mention of an explanation point. These would be my closing arguments, after a beautifully, well executed case. I will confess that much of the sourness for me is that she had checked out and I was unaware of it, kind of put holes in me being attentive, but love makes us all a little blind. We can’t be all of those other things and at the same time waiting for the other shoe to drop. She is born under the sign of Libra and she always wants to keep things in balance, so for her, some how, allowing me to go all in on her, represented balance, I need further understand to get my mind around that one. I probably had way to many words, after all God used it to birth this blog , and me taking her silence or lack of words as agreement as to where we were, and that was a huge mistake on my part. She did share words, but again didn’t exactly match her actions. The best thing ever was probably not introducing her to my kids and grandkids. Some where today on social media, some one shared about how we need to take our have to do things , and make them about things that we get to do. Perspective can be so huge and especially in our mindsets. My absolute final take away . It use to be back in the day , when you did boot camp for the military, it was about pushing you to your limits, so if it ever hit the fan, then you would know what you were capable of. Well with that in mind, I learned a whole new perspective of what I’m capable of in a relationship, and it’s pretty amazing what God has taught me. I will be Lou Rawls and I’m pretty sure of that.
- Until next time ✌️peace!
- Sandy The Southerner
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