Hello to all of my regulars and a few newbies as well. I have been branching out a little bit and have a few outside of the continental United States, I wouldn’t wave the flag of being international, just yet ,but a small step in that direction, and I want to thank all of you guys who subscribed and for sharing. I have had a very fun and interesting life and upbringing and it has given me some unique perspectives of being able to see certain arguments or situations from multiple viewpoints. In some ways, I see where my son gets it, but I think he just loves a healthy debate. You can take any subject matter and any position and my son can argue the opposite side, even if at the core of the matter, he agrees with you. ☺️☺️He takes that devil’s advocate thing just a little to seriously and completely to another level. Well, while it’s similar, it’s very different from what I’m talking about , life experience and not arguing random points , and statistics , without zeal, that may or may not come with passion. Today I want to talk about raising someone’s else kids. I’m not talking about what may or may not take place in the military, or sometimes in our correctional facilities, and sometimes in our school systems, but in a family, and hopefully in a home. I know that some people see it as a right of passage for teenagers almost to have at some point worked in a fast food joint like McDonald’s, or Taco Bell, and maybe in the Midwest or some other small town, it was a Tasty Freeze or a Sonic. Well if that is the case, then I was a late bloomer, because I never did it until my twenties and it was as a manager at Wendy’s. He has been long gone now, but the guy that started Wendy’s, was name Dave Thomas, he was a delightful man, from what I can remember. I did meet him once as he came down from Ohio for a grand opening at a new store. I believe that it was Dublin, where he opened his first store and where they were head quartered . I know, I know, what’s the point,? well he was adopted as a child and it inspired him to start a foundation for adoptions called, of course but what else, the Dave Thomas Foundation, and its about helping to get people connected in the adoption process. A few post back, I talked about things that are not normal for men, or things that we don’t just naturally gravitate towards, and one of those things is raising other men’s kids, not saying that it doesn’t happen, just that the people who fully embrace it are pretty rare and the younger that they are the more impressive that it is. In some ways it’s closer to what happens in the wild, but probably not as severe. When a lion takes over a pride of lioness, the first order of business is to kill off all the cubs from the one that he dethroned. It seems barbaric and it is but lions aren’t the only animal with these traits, it’s also true of camels and a few other animals in wild . How does this look or work itself out with people, well that’s a good question. I want to say that often when a guy dates a woman who has minor children with no father around, on the front end he knows that it is a package deal, if you want momma, you know the kids come along, it’s like a ready made family. I have seen this work out very well, especially if there are no other children born into the union. My best friend Steve met his wife who had 3 tiny stair steppers and he adopted them, gave them his name and he raised them as his own , he was the only dad and father that they ever knew, wonderful family. My personal experience was , well not that.! I was kind of raised with a stepfather, more like with a stepfather, not by a stepfather and the preposition makes all of the difference in the world. I’m not one of those people who believes in biting the hand that feeds you, so I’m extremely grateful for the provision, but if you are a parent, you know that it goes way beyond just finances, I mean isn’t that what we do with those kids we have on our refrigerators in some foreign country that we support, ? we just stroke a check or swipe a card. And as important as that is, for the most part, very few people have any real contact with the kids that they sponsor. Well, that was kind of my experience, except I wasn’t thousands miles away but sometimes it felt like that. Put away the hanky ,and I’m not looking for sympathy, but I know that there are other people out there who had this page written in their book as well. My father passed away when I was young, never met the man, and he was married to someone else at the time of my conception and birth . Right now if you are thinking about that old Temptation song, ” poppa was a rolling stone ” then you just earned yourself a gold star, and should get a cookie from the cookie jar☺️☺️. I’m not trying to be dark or ominous, because I know that many others weren’t blessed as I was and I know for those of you raised in a two parent home, much of this can sound foreign. While my stepfather and I didn’t connect, my mother made every effort to fill the gaps,, it was a running joke for a while for her to get a father’s day cards, because she did the job of both .☺️☺️. . There is a plethora of evidence and psychology out there about just how important a father’s roll is in raising children, the dynamics of it is different from boys to girls, but its important to both genders. I will bring this to a full circle before the end of the post so hang tight. If you have been reading this blog for a while and following along then you know that I did a piece on people’s undisclosed baggage that people bring into relationships and most of the time unbenounced to themselves as well. I went a little bit into my kids mom’s baggage and at the time said that mine was a little bit more complicated, not really a cop out, but timing sometimes can be everything. I spoke earlier that it is not natural for men to raise other men’s kids, and to be honest , sometimes it can be a challenge to get them to do right by their own kids, especially if their is a split from the mother. I have seen it many times that men will distance themselves, or loose the connection with their kids after a divorce. They will often start the process over with a new lady and start a new family. One of my pet peeves is the cop out about not wanting to deal with the mother, when it comes to dealing with or having to go through her to spend time with their kids. As I said before, sometimes we have to suck it up and do hard things. It’s not the kids fault that you two can’t get along. This maybe where I sound like a total and complete hypocrite but I have self identified as a sperm donor myself, not by choice, but it is the way the cards were dealt and the hand played out. The back story is far to complicated and storyline and the players would make up a pretty good size novel , so obviously we will not be going into all of those details, however, I’m offering enough superficial details for you to be able to follow along and perhaps to be able to piece together some picture of something that was very devastating and impactful to my life even forty some years later. Ok, take a deep breath and that is probably more so for me, than for you.☺️ . The year after I graduated from high school, my high school girlfriend ended up pregnant. We were no longer together and there was a wake of high crimes that had taken place a couple years prior, that lead to us parting ways. It became an extremely messy situation , with attorneys in tow, and to be honest, it was like a nuclear war, and in that scenario, there are no clear winners, just losers, and some who didn’t loose as much. I have a human out in the world who shares DNA, with me, and that is far as it goes. This was not my choice or preference for how I would have liked things to work out, but we all know that life is not always a bowl of cherries, some times it offers us only the pits , from the delicious bowl of fruit. I have on many occasions reached out, only to have my hand slapped away. This may or perhaps not so much be hard to believe, but it is history repeating itself, and a horrible family tradition that needs to end. He was also raised by another man who didn’t take an interest in him or care enough to give him his last name. and followed suit with producing multiple other off spring, which left him alone on that island with the distinction of having a different name from the rest of the family. He grew up angry and probably had feelings of not feeling completely wanted. I can’t give you many details on the other side, as I said we don’t have a relationship or any contract, it was his mother’s choice and he continued it on. The last time I reached out to him was on his 40th birthday and I was still met with a thanks , but no thanks. There have been efforts made throughout his life and he has always declined. Just a quick example of this is, his mother extended an invitation to his high school graduation, which my wife and kids were excited about. We took the ten hour drive to the event, thinking, maybe a little light at the end of the tunnel. The graduation was to take place at an outdoor venue and it rained, and when they were forced to move it indoors, we got the ax , as seating was limited, and honestly I believed that he probably breath a sigh of relief. His mom use to send me pictures, but of course after high school, that ended . I will give you one of my interesting little side bars, as I’ve been known to do , which will add to the richness and irony of the psychology of all of this. My sperm donor, who as I said checked out early and was actually married to someone else at the time. Well his mother, or the woman who would have been my paternal grandmother, did finally reached out to me, when I was forty years old, but had spent the previous four decades denying my existence, as I would have somehow brought an ominous cloud over her dead son’s reputation or legacy, and I believe that he had already written that before he left this planet. Anyhow, she wanted to make an amends , and possibly some kind of an inheritance. My wife encouraged me to except her invitation to meet. I really didn’t give it a second thought, it was a hard pass for me. I didn’t really care that she was trying to clear her conscious, before she passed away, that wasn’t my job to offer her that. I do believe that one day we will all give an account, her for denying me , and me for not allowing her to shed whatever burden she felt needed to be released before she died. I’m like , why start something with someone who isn’t going to be around, ?the opportunities were to great , and sadly all missed. I completely understand the perspective of the person who I played sperm donor for, but in my mind, it’s different, because I always reached out, never denied his existence, and always wanted to play some role in his life. The anger and feelings of being abandoned are real and can be as suffocating as a smog filled day in downtown L.A. I want to turn the proverbial page , and fast forward into the future, if I can. I spent years praying for some sort of resolution in that situation, and as of present, that hasn’t happened, but at the same time, I prayed that I would have another opportunity to be a dad, and maybe a do over with a son. God in all of His faithfulness, has allowed the latter of the two to come to pass. If I was to tell you that I was the model father, then I should probably be running for political office, because it would be a whopper, and I’m not talking about the sandwich ☺️☺️. When it came to being a dad, I had a great number of deficiencies. As ,I said before, if you don’t have sacrificial love on display and model for you in the home, then it leaves this huge gap in your understanding of what a husband and father is supposed to be. When I met my wife, she came with a ten month old little girl, who would forever change my life. We could argue the whole nature / nurture debate, and In our case it would have been all about nurture. My daughter is a genuine replica of her mother, with my personality stamp. She looks nothing like me, but she could never be more mine than she is. I adopted her, gave her my name and I’m the only dad that she has ever known or wanted to know. I know that is not true for everyone and some kids just have this yearning to know their beginnings and where they come from, and the short answer is from God, but for some that isn’t enough. I knew that my bio had died, but even if he was around, I’m not sure that I’m the kind of person to go in search of. My daughter is cut from the same cloth, and what is important is that she had someone who loved her, wanted that job, and did his best at it, even though I often fail short. When she was three, we added a son to the mix. I had always thought that I would have four children. I came from a large family and I thought that it would be great to have a pair of each. My history and background, would not allow me to do to my daughter, what had been done to me , and also to the one that, I was a sperm donor for. My wife and I talked it over and decided to keep the ratio one to one, even though I always thought four. I’ve never regretted that choice and my daughter has been everything that a father could ever hope for in a daughter. I’m not going to list of all of her accolades here ,but just know that she checked off ninety-nine percent of the boxes. I want to tell you that I was a super dad, like my son in law, but as before mentioned, much of our time was spent in a one income dynamic, so often I was working, to tired from working, or trying to get some rest so that I could get up and do it again. I’m not complaining, yes , I missed out on some ball games and camp outs with the boy scouts, but always tried my hardest to be there for the big events in life, championship games, parent / teacher conferences, and if you have a daughter, nothing can ever take the place of the emotions of walking her down the isle. That is just few of the biggies. If I had it to do over again, of course, I would have made some concessions and made a few different choices, but at the end of the day, we are still family and love each other and NO ! ,that is not always easy when you have divorced parents. Let’s see if we can put a lid on all of these different view points. My daughter and her husband have kept the adoption thing going. They have adopted a little boy, rescuing on some level from a dire situation. If all of the effort, financial whoas, and constant dramatic tugging at your heart doesn’t say love, I don’t know what does. My daughter asked me about it going in , and I told her that I don’t what kind of young man he will grow up to be, meaning will they be enough for him, or will he be one of those who feels the need to seek out his origin. I recently walked in on my mom watching an old episode of ” Family Matters”, I think that’s the name of the one that use to star Michael J. Fox, and it was dealing with one of his friends who had been adopted and went in search of his bio peeps. At the end of the story it came down to the fact that the people who took him in , loved him and provided for him are his mom and dad, and nothing on God’s green earth will change that. I know that there are other options out there besides being a sperm donor and sometimes people have really good reasons for giving up kids, sometimes done in love and not out selfishness , just knowing that they can’t and perhaps someone else can, and will be a better parent. If you are keeping up, and your score card is not to smudged, by all of the scratch throughs and erase marks, then you should realize that I was someone’s else kids, I donated to the process of someone else’s raising one of my own, and the best part at least for me, is that I got to raise someone’s else’s kid. As Forest Gump, so eloquently expressed it life is like a box of chocolates, and you don’t always know what You will get. My experience is probably not unique and it sure as hell isn’t rare , or at least not as rare as it should be. I think that this one may be a little heavy hearted, because I’m sure that it has drug some back to some unhappy moments or memories , and I will try to make it up to you next time out.
Interesante historia y a su vez es una enseñanza
you found the blog and can read it in spanish, thats fantastic