“One, Two, Three! “

• Not The Only One !
• Post #118
• 1 Feb 24      
•               ” One, Two, Three !”
• Howdy!
• I trust that things are going well  for you all. Buckle up and strap yourselves  in, this one may be a wild  ride☺️☺️. This  may inherently  be  a Baby Boomer  post. I  suspect  that  there may  be exceptions along  the  way,  but read on and let  me know your thoughts, I  would  love to  compile a  little  more data☺️☺️ I  can’t  believe  how fast that first  month flew by.
• Ok , here goes nothing  as they say.  The numbers  show us that fifty percent  of   first marriages end up  in divorce.  Second  marriages  fail at a rate of  sixty-six percent and by the time  we get  to  people  who would  be brave enough   to  do  it a third  time, it’s up to a whopping  seventy-two  percent  failure, crash and burn  rate. Maybe, just  maybe people  are  unaware of  the  odds and statistics of being  able to  pull off an ” until  death  do us part”. ☺️☺️ Just   what makes us so damn optimistic?. I  have  encountered an inordinate amount  of  people  who  have  tied the knot  three or more  times, and it’s not a shame thing  at all , well  maybe  just  a little as in not being able to figure it out☺️☺️.This  isn’t  something that  people  are usually  proud  of, and it’s not the information that  comes out on a first date.  ☺️☺️. I  know  that  You  may  be  thinking  where do I  meet  all of these people  who have  made such  major  blunders?  We could  just  chalk it up to birds of a feather, flock together ☺️☺️ . In actuality, I believe  that  it’s more of broken  people  are drawn  to  other  like minded broken  people.  I  can’t  explain  it, but how is it if there is a serial  killer on the east coast, that they  can  find  the  serial killer  on the west coast ☺️☺️. They  think a like and have  similar  patterns  to their lives.  It’s also true, if you have  a  few Goth kids on a campus  that  they will find one another and form a coalition of  people  who  are  encouraged by  dark clothes and  black  mascara ☺️☺️.
• There is actually a  lot of  psychology that comes into  play here. First  thing  up , I  really  and truly  believe  that these people  for the most part believe in  marriage, and we will  say more about that later.  They  may  be people  who have  done the cohabitation thing  in the past for one reason  or the  other, but that  is not there belief  system  or where their  hearts ultimately  lies down at night. These are also  people  who  will  tell  you, if they  are  honest, that one of the three marriages  that took place  that,   they   absolutely  knew better and that they don’t  know exactly  what the hell  they  were thinking at the time. They  may have  even  had a red flag or two  that they  choose to ignore  and  blow right  by☺️☺️. They  may also  share in the possibility that they  think that they just  picked the wrong partner for the dance card,  and this may be the point of  contention for  maybe  more than  just  one of the  spouses, but it points to  a pattern.  Certain  people  think  of themselves as   relationship  material , opposed to  walking  through life as a single.  This may  be the place that they  feel  the most secure and  at their  best, the place where they just shine.  There  are  very  few things in  life  that  compare to someone  being there for you and you there for them , despite  all of your flaws, failings and  short comings, again  no perfect  people. 
• The rub here is that we are putting  together two  broken people  who often  have  baggage,  and  often somethings  that they are  unaware of  , and said  baggage and  it’s waiting  paralysis on their  current and future relationships.  There is probably very  few things that  can  be more unsettling than  discovering  certain things about Yourself later in life, that could have  been  absolutely  earth  shattering  if you had known them sooner.  It’s troubling  because  many  people  can  see it and spot it right  off the bat, but you are clueless and have  blinders on.  It’s that whole  thing  about  if it had been a  snake it would  have  bitten you. Now!, no one wants to  be bitten  by a  snake and  most assuredly  not a poisonous one, but a snake bite may have  been  considered merciful, when we look back over the  carnage of the landscape.  Most of us have  some  idea of what a healthy  relationship is  or should be, even  if  it’s  been  distorted  by the Hollywood types☺️☺️. It’s   incredibly  hard to believe  just  how bad we can  be  at the basics of  having the working ingredients for a good  and healthy  relationship.  Things  such as  trust, communications, sensitivity and  compassion, and even  the  vary word commitment  itself  can  often  be missing, lost, and at best misconstrued.  These are  the  very  things  and reasons  why we  seek out being  in  a committed and monogamous relationship in the first place.  Absolutely no  one signs up and says that they  hope that these things are  unavailable to them, but often and sadly  we settle  for  some cheap  imitation of the genuine  articles.
• The world that we live  in  is constantly  redefining things that really matter. We see  this with  the “gender wars”, we have  also expanded the  definition of  marriage, which  is  another  form of redefining.  This is not new  stuff, but we are seeing  it  at a much  more rapid  pace, so maybe  we  shouldn’t be  surprised  when  a word like  commitment  means so much  less than  it ever has before  in human  history.  What many  people  would  consider to be a commitment  would  be  equivalent to  a toothless dog, there is just  no bite there.☺️☺️.  Nothing to  sink our teeth  into. Commitment  is  much  more like  as long as it’s working for  both of  us, then  we will do this, but if it requires  to much  effort or introduces some pain and maybe a set back  or two into equation, then  all bets are off and you may find yourself  in a  free fall. There will  be  no rolling up of the sleeves, or hunkering down to  gain new  ground, which  often  can  be the fertile ground which we have  been  just  craving to  get  to, and possibly the thing that would  make the relationship  flourish. 
• If we can’t  get  some of the basics  right  like  commitment, then  how can  we  attest to  what real and true love is? I  have  said this before but , Love is a Conscious choice of one’s  will. We choose to  love or not to love, despite  the popular  belief that  people  fall in and out of love. It may  come  with  romantic  feelings of giddiness and butterflies, but there will  definitely  be  days when  those things are   not present  and  it will  require  a  substantial  amount  of hard  work and effort  to keep them fresh and new. Love should be  expressed through actions of sacrifice  and care. Stop settling  for lip service of love, when  people’s actions  do not match  their  words . What kind of sense  does it  make  for  someone to tell  you that they  love you and  while they  simultaneously  practice  their  latest  ghosting techniques? ☺️☺️ We live  in a love starved culture and all to often we  settle  for  the  scraps.
• One, Two , Three, points to the fact that we were all created for more.  Earlier I  hinted at the fact that people  who are married  multiple  times  really  believe  in  marriage, and for the most part, they believe  in  the  covenant of  marriage.  See!, to some  marriage  is simply a  contract and it’s transactional, and there lies part of the problem.  We  know  that  every day that contracts  are broken and  rescind, so a retraction of sorts☺️.I  think  part of  this goes to  mindset.  If you  go in with  an exit strategy or thoughts of ” if this doesn’t work “, then you  should  probably  stay  on the sidelines, because  you  are  no where  close to  being ready for the vigor of marriage. So, the one’s who  believe in a covenant marriage understand that  it was  something that was created, ordained and  implemented by God and something that  shouldn’t   be  entered  into  lightly, because  God’s  only retraction was,  till death blows the final whistle. 
• There can get to be several reasons for why people are constantly  starting over, while  still  believing in  a  covenant marriage, and some of these we have  touched on, but just for  a  few seconds I want to  zero in on one, and that is self.  I’m going to be vulnerable here,  because I  know  how much  you guys love that☺️. I  have  been  greatly  perplexed by things  that I  have  learned about  myself  later in life, and not things always  of a positive  nature ☺️. Some  of  them  show up as glaring huge holes in my overall personhood.  First up, I  think that  I lived a certain  percentage  of  my  life being  overly concerned about  what others  thought about me… but not so much!  Anymore!  I  don’t know if  this will make any sense to you guys, but for instance I  could  be overly  concerned about  if others  thought that I was a good dad or not to the point  where  it almost  ensured that I  wouldn’t be.  I was   focusing  my efforts  on  what people  thought  about  me as a father and trying  to  impress them  ,opposed  to who I should  have been,  ,and   just  enjoying  my kids,  and having  fun with  them.  And   oh boy does that time go by fast.  Here is  another one  for you , but the things that we grow up with  in our families that we think  are  normal, but probably  not  so much!  Well  at least not to people  who  weren’t  raised in that same  little  fish  bowl. I didn’t even  come close to  realizing the negative effects of  being  raised in  an environment of primarily  tough love and  how that shaped my views on   life and of others.  This one may seem  like a  no brainer, but you need to be happy and content with  who you are by yourself, before you  can  be  healthy  enough  to  hope to share that with someone else. A really  big and painful  lesson that God taught me  and is still  impressing  upon me is the importance of  loving  people  unconditionally, and  trust me that  is  a super duper tall order. We live in this broken and  fallen  world, where everything  comes with  strings  attached to it, and yes I  mean  everything, sorry  to break the news  to you FWB& NSA people ☺️☺️. Here is one that I will  confess  that  women  are  so much  better at than us guys, but take some time and be reflective and  heal. Try to  figure out  what went wrong or what was missing before  jumping  into    something  or someone else ☺️☺️. Take some time to own your own junk , opposed to  thinking  that everything  was the other  person’s  fault, because  it  always  takes two  to make it work and two to blow  it up .If I  sat here and  listed all of my flaws and  life lessons, some of you guys would  have  to  apply for  social  security, which  is  probably  not going to be  there ☺️☺️. I  want to  emphasize the  importance of  being  kind and inquisitive.  We should  always be  more curious about others, than about expressing  who we are, our expectations and our desires.  I’m not saying that  those things aren’t  important or should  be  some how put on a back burner, but invest and it will  come back around  to you and for you, after  all  we have  been  fitted with  two ears and  just  one mouth ☺️☺️ Bottom line, be aware of your personal  brokenness and  do your best to  manage  it, because  regardless of  you are, we all have  something in the way of a fear, or some unresolved hurt or pain.
• We are at the part of  the journey, where I will  try to  tie this all together or somehow put a bow on it. Maybe I  should have  called this  one ” Two or More”☺️☺️, because there are clearly some who have been batting for the cycle ☺️. Every time  we say ” I do” and then  don’t, there is the more devastating side called  divorce.  Can  we  just agree that it is devastating? Regardless of  how equitable, and even  if there are no kids involved, and hopefully not, and the “we are  better friends now”. ….should  have  figured that out while  you  were  still  married. The emotional imprint that it makes  on your heart and soul is  not something that  you should be  able to  just  disregard like  making  a  donation to  goodwill about  something that  you have  no use for anymore . The Bible has some  pretty  firm  and absolute  things  that  it says about  God’s  creation of marriage, and I  get  that we don’t   all believe, or we think  it is  out dated, irrelevant or doesn’t  apply any more, and regardless as to where you fall with  that, we can’t  escape  truth.  He said that it would carry  out the purpose for which it was intended and that it would  not return  to  Him void….and I believe Him . I  can  give you  one more as a little  bit of a testimony.  God’s  word says that the two shall  become  one , and what God has joined together, shouldn’t be  separated.  When the mother of  my  children and  I were going  our separate ways, I literally felt as if I  was  being  torn  apart. It was something that  was so tightly  sown and knitted  together that I  experienced physical pain In addition to  all of the emotional havoc . I  believe  that  it  was supposed to  be  painful as a way of  reminding us that this may  not be the best plan  of action, but once the blinders of selfishness, stubbornness and  pride come on the seen , the trip to the attorney’s  office  is  usually  a  forgone conclusion.
• We are  all in search  of  love and  I already  stated that we  live  in a  love starved culture, however I want to  point you to  an unbelievable  love.  A love that has been  firmly established, checked and certified, and it comes with the  guarantee that there  will  never  be a change in mind or a retraction of sorts☺️☺️. A love that has been  demonstrated  and proven with  the greatest  demonstration of  sacrificial love that the world  has ever  known.  Yes, I’m talking  about  Calvary.  See, all to many  times we reserve  our love for those who love  us.  We all to often lean on  that great American Philosopher, Tina  Turner, and we think, ” What has love got to do with it” ☺️☺️?.  Well the answer  to that question, is everything!  God made the first  move, He offered  His one and only  Son as a sacrifice, so that we  can  have an  intimate  relationship with Himself.  Notice, I  didn’t  say that He gave  His Son , so we could  have  religion, and there is a huge difference between the  two.  God loved us and loves us  even  when and while  we are the most unlovable. We  take  so, so many  things  for granted in life and  sadly this is one of them and that is God’s free  gift of  Salvation.  It’s free to  us, but it cost God, His son.  I  think that  taking  things  for granted  means that we aren’t  thankful and  grateful for  so many  things, and in addition to  that sometimes  a little  hard headed.  I  just  told you the important thing and that is all about the  relationship with Him, but if you take  nothing  else away from this today, regardless of  who you are and where you  find yourself, remember that  You are  engaging  with  other broken people, who need grace and  maybe, just  maybe, some  how your brokenness  and  their  brokenness can  make  a whole ♥️. 
• Till Next Time ✌️ Peace!
• Sandy The Southerner

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