STRUGGLE VS. SURRENDER
Howdy,
And once again welcome aboard. I have things and topics that I wish to cover and jump into, but I always seems to be led away from them. It’s not that those topics aren’t interesting and tantalizing, but I’m lead away, so I must assume that it is God who wants me to cover something else. When I started this blog, I was hoping to give my readers a different view or perspective of believers and on Christianity, because I know that I’m not the only one, with these weird perspectives. Our hope and belief system is in a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, however it is not a one size fit all, cookie cutter thing. I am a single gentleman and while I know probably a mixture of married people as well as single people ,its the perspective of the singles that I identify with and have honest and open conversations with, and yes , there are some exceptions, such as my Korean sister in Florida. God has been thrashing me over sexual purity lately. As I set in church this morning, listening to my pastor, whom I love. There was not a let up or any relief there either. I am absolutely the wrong person to be talking about this, and I know a great many people wrestle with this. I was just speaking with a friend of mine out in California the other day about this. She expressed remorse, and a little misery over not living out her convictions in this area. I know this effects so many of God’s kids in such a profound way. Some choose to ignore it, and others choose to justify or rationalize it. I have been in both of these camps before, and I’ve even done one better. I once got married, not to live under the guilt and conviction of having a robust sex life, while not being married. It’s not that I didn’t love her because I did, but we should have taken more time to get to know one another. And I will go on the record and say that is not a good reason to get married, no more than getting married because you are pregnant. As you get to the second half or later part of life, the justification for it becomes easier. Well!, we are past the child baring years, and we are pretty responsible as far as STD’s and other sexual transmitted diseases go. We tell ourselves that we are big boys and girls, and its definitely not our first rodeo. At this stage in life, most of us have been around the block a time or two. We know most of our insecurities and things to watch out for, the perverbail “red flags”. So! , whats the harm? We are being exclusive and all relationships have a few bumps in the road. We give ourselves a green light. There is also, this thing about ignorance be blissful. I mentioned this because, while God has put His finger on this for me, Ms. Annomuis had no such default setting. I’m not ever going to judge someone’s else’s walk with God, but He clearly hadn’t revealed that to her, and that is true for a great number of my catholic buddies in the northeast. I’m not picking on catholics, its just about proximity to God, and they seem to be comfortable with a considerable amount of distance between themselves and God, just something that I have observed. There is something deeper here, much deeper than just being obedient to the call that God has placed upon your life. I’m not talking about the call to an overseas ministry, but a call for holiness. I suspect that this is something that I have known for a while, but it has become so much more pronounced the older that I get, and that is, everyone that you become intimately involved with, you give and leave a piece of yourself with that person. This truth, and noticed that I said truth, is particularly troubling for people who go from one relationship to the next. How much can you give , before you have no more to give? I have spoken of my stalled relationship with Ms. A , and it has left me feeling depleted and on some level very consumed, as in being used up, since that word carries more than one meaning. I have been on my face with God about this relationship and I have not particularly cared for what He has said about it, but it doesn’t make it any less true. See, in my mind, we were going somewhere together. And while her spiritual demeanor was different, not less than mine, just different, I made the Kolosso assumption that we would get there , on the same page, somewhere down the road. God has pointed out to me that, that relationship had become an idol in my life and for that very reason, He pruned it back. And if you have never been there, pruning can be extremely painful, makes me want to never hack on another tree or plant as long as I live. He pruned it back, but not completely out, if I heard Him correctly. I know that it had become important to me, and the amount of energy and resources devoted to it, I thought was because it was long distance, and I was just keeping it viable. See there lies the problem, first me thinking and second I was keeping it viable. If God is in it, as I believe that He is , He doesn’t need my help keeping it viable. I’m convinced that this is where so many of us get ourselves in trouble. We see with human eyes and desires . For instance, Ms. Annomuis and I clicked really well in every aspect, except the faith arena. And again, I thought that we would just get there. She definitely was aware of a difference in our walks with God, and I believe because of of the Catholic guilt, it became a stumbling block for her, more so than an opportunity for growth. So, how do two people who match each other’s intensity so well,, end up in a state of the unknown? Two little words that have changed everything since the beginning of time….”But God”!. See, this kinda reminds me of my grandkids ,when ever they are attempting to climb over something, or lift something heavy, they always say, I got it, of course until they don’t. And I guess that is true for us adults as well. We tell God, that we got it, of course until we don’t. I knew all along that our relationship had some heavy lifting that needed to be done, and was only going to happen, if God did it, distance, elderly parents, and the sort. As God’s kids, He gives us spiritual eyes to see things that most people don’t, or can’t see , or even begin to understand. Let’s get back to the struggle. My pastor this morning, was talking about which do we feed. Are we feeding the spiritual side, or the lust of the flesh. See, I would never characterize our relationship in those terms, however I’m not God. I tell people all the time that,I love the word of God, but I struggle and wrestle with it, as I’m sure many others do as well . There are definitely things that I don’t care for, and much of it surrounds this area here. Its ironic how we raise our kids, me included, and then can live contrary to that. I get it, when you are in a monogamous married relationship, its easy, or at least it should be easy to take the moral high ground, and yes I’ve been there before as well. See!, I get it, when God says it, that settles it, but its a constant struggle. When you are doing life with someone, and by that I mean, your relationship looks just like people who have that piece of paper between them, but you don’t. And its so easy to say, what’s the harm? There are countless people in church each week trying to stuff this down to a place, where it is muffled or un-hearable. In effect we tell God that we got this, or are working on it. We are going to get married sometime in the future, maybe you will , or not so much! I don’t get to edit God’s word , He authored it ” created sex”, so He gets to define it, just like in the last post. There are some number of homosexuals in the congregation as well, and they take their lumps, just like me. I recently had a lady, tell me ,that this is the thing that drove her away from church. She stated the reason that she stopped attending worship services, was the living under conviction. There is a term in church circles, “sanctification”, it means to be set apart. While God has set us a part, it is a process, and it can take many years, and something that is never completed on this side of eternity. This process is to get us more into the image of Christ. God doesn’t remove our choice for free will, so we actually play a huge part in how long this metamorphosis takes to occur. This is where the surrendering takes place. We have to choose to align our will to what God says is best for us. This is a skim over at best, and I would be happy to go more in detail if you need me to. All I know is that I’m getting to old for this, and that it is exhausting to have this in your head all the time and battling with it. I think for many of us, we just see it as part of a healthy relationship, kinda just goes with the territory. I think we see it as a right, and it should probably be viewed like a driver’s license. You don’t have a right to drive, its a privilege, or an honor. I can get this twisted in so many ways, and my arms are definitely to short to spar with God. I guess if I’m going to be able to reconcile this one, I will have to find someone, who has also decided to surrender in this area. However judging from the landscape, i believe i may have a better chance at becoming a hermit first , because this issue is equally across the board for both men and women. Ms. Annomuis, has revealed to me that she doesn’t believe that she wants to get married again, which is a whole different post by itself. How did people do it in generations gone by? I know that our culture is very heavy handed with sex everywhere. Abstaining is something for teenagers…yes?, not for middle age people and beyond. Its not even about pier pressure, its just a part of a healthy relationship….right? God is not trying to kill our fun, He is trying to protect us, but we don’t understand from what. I will say this, after the last time around my heart could definitely use some protection by God . As I’ve gotten older, I have become more sensitive and tender hearted, and I don’t believe that I’m a fan of that, but I have no idea as to how to shake it off of me. I think I’m in the obedience crowd, and it will just be one more fun fact to add to a dating profile, just kidding, about the profile, but not the obedience thing. I have done it my way long enough, and all it has gotten me is a world of confusion. I know that this is a touchy subject with a wide range of view points, but at the end of the day, I guess that, there is only one that matters, and its not mine! I could say more, much more on the subject, but I don’t believe it would change the narrative.
Till next time ✌
Sandy the Southerner
