Post #12
Believe For It !
Howdy !
And once again, welcome aboard. I spent last evening on the phone with Ms. Annomuis. She seems to find new ways to challenge me, while at the same time reminding me of my insignificance in her life. I’m not really sure of how much of that she actually owns. And yes, I’m familiar with ” bread crumbing” , I’m not sure if that is what she is doing subconsciously, or if that’s something that I’m taking on myself. The real player behind the scenes here is God. Almost like this amazing puppet master, and yes, I actually know that He is not that, but His ever knowing presence is there. I actually hear Him asking me to believe for something that I can barely see or believe. I know that is a loose description or definition of what faith is. I always seem to sleep better after one of what has become a catch up conversations. We have so little contact with one another, that when we do, it seems to be so much to catch up on. We are both busy, but we use to have daily conversations about our lives and all taking place there with. When we are together on the phone, its as if we haven’t missed a beat. We pick up and jump in just like we are who I remember us to be. Lately I’ve been feeling so much more of her being a cat and I’m the mouse that she is playing with. My human eyeballs tell me that this is not going to end well for me, emotionally. Yet, there is something else here at play, that will not let me unplug myself from it, while every essence of my being is encouraging me to protect myself. Its as if God is asking me to believe for something that I can not see, or holding in my hands, and not just that, but everything I see in the natural is contrary to that. Do I trust Him? ,I mean really trust Him . We often say that we do, but leave ourselves with just enough control in case , just incase He really doesn’t have this. My faith is along ways away from being blind, but its has its days when it can be as weak and crumbly as a withered up old dry tree branch. Yet, I feel Him asking me to believe for it and to trust Him. All indications are that I should move along , and yet , He says to me, let me make beauty from the ashes. I’ve made reference, more than once about my kids mom and I, and how we did not allow God to have the run of the house. Side bar, ….its funny that I should bring her up,just last week in a conversation with my daughter, she was encouraging my daughter to do something that her husband had specifically asked her not to do, and I thought to myself, how somethings and people never change, 😀, but I digress. I get these urges to write, when I know the day is going to come crashing down on me , if I don’t get ahead of it. This morning is one of those days. I slept well enough to sleep through my alarm, I heard it, I just didn’t budge. And today is the day that I hangout with my daughter on a zoom, FaceTime, or the likes. Its been almost a week since I’ve had a decent workout and I didn’t start my day out with God, I ended up here. I need coffee, and to regroup. There are two realizations here, I know how fast my day can get twisted, when I don’t start it off with God, and the other is that I can see how this relationship has slightly become an idol in my life, and this time instead of it being about the physical distance, now its the emotional distance. We covered alot of ground last night on the phone. The stuff we usually covered every day, has now become this huge exchange of information about all that has gone on since our last chat. She is switching jobs again, while I understand, I find it a little troubling. This is her third outing in less than eighteen months. Part of it is the whole covid thing, but it gives me just a little twing about stick ability, and while I’m on the outside of her professional career, I can’t but think about carry over to the personal side of things. I have to put a pin in this for now, and hope that, it is still all there when I pick it back up.
I’m not sure what I am doing here anymore. Sometimes I feel as if I’m caught between two realities. Perhaps it’s not really that, or maybe me thinking about what I want it to be, or know that it could be. I know that all things are possible with God, and I Sometimes thinks that this is more about what He wants to show or teach me , and somehow give me a deeper understanding as into who He is and what He wants for me. He keeps asking me to believe for something that is on lifesupport at best. I know that God is unchanging and I’m extremely grateful for that, because I have watched Ms. Annomuis back away from every shared dream and plan that we had together. When I look at things from a spiritual perspective, it makes complete and utter since. I see her chasing the things of the world, and comparing herself to others who she views as successful and having it all together. And the compassion game is a killer. We are definitely different on the spiritual realm. Her latest job query will finally allow her to reach that six figure income, which she feels that she desperately needs. She is not in need of anything, her family is very well off, but she just needs that feather in her cap, so that she doesn’t feel as if she is falling behind her piers. Sometimes when we discuss spiritual things, she truly is that deer in the headlights. Its not that she doesn’t get it, its more that she doesn’t want to get it. She doesn’t see or feel a need for God in her life. This is not new or exclusive to her, many people who are comfortable and feel as if they are doing fairly well financially in life,, share this attitude. I get that she finds the whole concept of a personal relationship with God as challenging, so she steers clear of it. It is a little scary and of course when she plays the comparison game it leaves her feeling ill-equipped and frustrated. I understanding, its a little bit like me with this blog, the technology and all of the moving parts, I have found extremely difficult and challenging, so I shyed away from it, and I have let it hold me back in some terms. That probably wasn’t the best analogy, but its the one that first popped in my head. Yes, I have heard that its a woman’s prerogative to change her mind, but I’m like oh wow! 🤪. When I take a step back and look at it, it makes absolute no sense at all. I’m not saying that she is running from her destiny, my balls aren’t that big, well at least not anymore. I just know that all that we shared was genuine, honest and sincere. Bottom line is , I think that she got way more than she bargained for. I think that she thinks if she could have me without the God element, then I would be the perfect guy for her. The short sided view of that is without that piece of the puzzle, I would be just like every other, what is another word for looser? I would be someone that she wouldn’t find so attractive, and I will leave it there. There are things, too many to mention that let’s me know that God is not done with us or this relationship. I must confess that it is difficult for me to believe for something, when all evidence points to something else or in another direction, but that is exactly how God usually works. God is the one who changes hearts and minds,, definitely not me! He wants to have the run of the place, so when it all comes together, there will be no other way to explain it…..”But God”.
Until next time ✌
Sandy the Southerner
