Well, welcome, and thank you again for being there and for the passion. My last post struck a few nerves and stepped on a few toes, but I did put the warning out, and as from the beginning, I have always said that all are welcome, but it is not a place for everyone. I will tell you that I heard from both sides of the imaginary isles. Some have said that I sound angry and others said concerned , but regardless of where you are coming from, I appreciate you being there. Last time out I touched on rights and freedoms and specifically about the 2nd amendment, and others brought up our right to free speech and I’m completely aware of the cancel culture and I’ve experienced some of that. It appears for some , that you have the right to free speech as long as you are saying something that they believe in or agree with , but that opposition should be silenced or canceled. Once again, I want to remind you that I’m not holding a gun to your head and you have the option not to read it, so play nice, and if it’s not your cup of tea, don’t ruin it for those who may enjoy a little Earl Grey. I think that will take care of the house keeping for now, so let’s move on. This one is called ” Next”, and honestly it could have been called a lot of different things and I think most of us are probably more familiar with what is known as ” The Sandwich ” thing., or ” sandwich generation” .This is when people find themselves Sandwiched in between their kids and their parents, but I’m going to swing at it from a slightly different angle, because, while I’m still blessed to have my mom, I have grandkids of my own, so like a lot of other people we are doing the four generation thing. I believe this to be very common place with people living longer, due to more science and more health care screenings. I was having a conversation with my daughter a few weeks back and we were discussing her teenager ,fifteen this month, where does the time go? He’s a really bright kid and I’m very proud of him, but some of the teenage behavior, can sometimes leave you scratching your head, wondering if the elevator goes to the top floor or not☺️☺️. So much of life is about perspective and to be honest it can be a little unsettling at first, when you kids start to have kids of their own. It’s like this huge reconciliation taking place, and it seems as if it was only yesterday that they were riding up on your shoulders, or asking you to come outside and play catch with them . You blink for just a quick instance, and now they are raising a family of their own. I know that isn’t everyone’s story and some of you guys waited for a long time for grandchildren, or are possibly still in a holding pattern, like a plane waiting for permission to land. I will confess that I have trouble connecting to my teenage years , and the world has changed so much, but people are still people. There may be a few changes and tweaks along the way. This one right here is a little bit of a change of pace. When I was kid, I couldn’t wait to get my drivers license, that represented freedom with endless possibilities for me, but now days a lot of kids are like, it’s no big deal. Perhaps that should not surprise me so much now day with Door Dash, Uber eats, grocery deliveries and everything else that is at the swipe of a smartphone, and Amazon acting like a genie in a bottle. Some kids see driving as a added responsibility, that they would just assume to put off. This doesn’t describe my grandson, who for some reason thinks that he should have a General Lee, a what??, I know, a what, ? you heard me correctly. I know that now days most may not know the reference point for that, but its an old school Dodge Charger complete with confederate flag markings , which was popularized by the TV show “The Dukes of Hazzard “, yeah!!, my grandson is a little bit of a redneck ☺️☺️. When I was a kid, I wouldn’t say that I was keenly aware that my mom had been a teenager in her life, but she was good about sharing life lessons. My grandson, truly has no frame of reference, that my daughter and his dad were teenagers once in their lives as well. He says and does things like they are original and no one else in the world has been across that bridge and maybe that’s one of the great adventures of being a kid. He’s a kid so sometimes he tries to pull the wool over the parents eyes, and they see it coming from a mile away and he doesn’t just like doesn’t have the where with all to come clean, so he makes it a painful experience , more so for himself than for them. Well, maybe its painful in both directions, because you start to question yourself about your parenting skills, and that can be painful as well, thinking that somehow, you failed them. He is such an amateur,, that sometimes it’s hard to watch as he crashes and burns. I may not be able to connect with my teenage years, but oh boy do I remember the crash and burn moments. ☺️I was recently in a public men’s room and I think I broke the most basic of cardinal rules. If you don’t know the dude next to you at the urinal, there is to be no eye contact or conversation until the hand washing phase. So, lately I’ve been feeling as if my education process with my grandfather had some how had holes in my training. I say that because I have often mentioned how close my grandfather and I were. So in the men’s room, another gentleman about my age, I say to him, I really loved my grandfather, but he never shared with me about the old man bladder thing, or about how some day, you would just start to grow hair from all of these strange places on your body.☺️☺️. It’s almost as phenomenal as when your kids start to reproduce, one day, you are a normal person and overnight you turn into a freaking Chia pet, and maybe that is true of the ladies as well, who carry around a pair of tweezers to pluck the random, or should I say rebellious chin hair, that would dare show up in public. ☺️☺️. I digress. There is something about being on deck, as to being the “Next” generation to be on the edge of the precipice of passing away. I want to say that you never stop being parents to your kids, but the role and the conversations that you have with them can change drastically. I think on some level this speaks directly to the kind of relationship you had with them as they were growing up. I have mentioned from time to time as to how the mother of my children and I wanted to have a much more open dialog with our kids, than our parents had with us. This has carried into adulthood, to the point where I believe both of our kids are comfortable talking to us about things that may be hard or difficult for others who were not raised in that environment. I said that you never stop being a parent to your kids but for some, that roll does get flipped around, as elderly parents can sometimes revert to a child like state themselves. This roll reversal can be really tough, when it’s time to take the keys and driving privileges away. And it’s particularly hard to witness if you had great parents who were professional people in their careers and garnered much respect and now you have to try and explain and protect them from investing their life savings in the latest
Ponzi scheme. Again I’m skimming the surface and I know for some it gets to a place of meltdown, when the decision is made that its not safe for them to live alone anymore, in a home that they have known for four decades plus and is filled with all sorts of memories of holiday get togethers and grandchildren, and you just name it. This is one of my interesting or perhaps not so much, sidebars. There should just be a special place in hell for people who intentionally go out of their way to take advantage of and swindle seniors. It seems that the most vulnerable in our society, children and the elderly have a target on their backs. The dynamics of multiple generations presents certain challenges, but we should not overlook the blessings that come along the way as well. Somedays depending on the setting, it can be as hard as trying to accurately forecast the weather. I live in a part of the country where we can have all four seasons in a single day. Again, probably not so uncommon unless you live in sunny San Diego. I can go from playing with my grandkids, to parenting their mother, on something that I observed when I was at, where she is now , to submitting myself under the authority of my mom. I know that everyone thinks that their life is their own to do with as the please, however I think that we miss something here in the western hemisphere. In many cultures older people are revered for the years lived and the wisdom that comes along with those years. I think more times than not we discount older people and see them as some sort of a burden as we push them aside in the name of expediency and progress, much like eminent domain, for a new Freeway or something. . My grandmother made it to almost ninety-five, just a few months short, but she was just one generation removed from slavery and she had lived and seen so many things. She was a living breathing history lesson and I don’t know how you could ever monetize that. In the west , we think and say things, like we don’t want to be a burden to our kids or anyone else, and for the most part that is something unique to the more progressive industrialized parts of the world. More resources, and less relational. Many parts of the world older people are honored, and families looks forward to returning the investment that was made into them. Again, this could be one of those stages of life things, but the last few years I have counted it a privilege to walk along side of some of my friends and peers with this last phase of life thing with their parents. I know that there are exceptions to everything that I may say here, but those who chose or were forced to plug in, for the most part, have counted it as a real blessing to draw close to love ones before they depart. Often it is a sweet time of connecting, that most had never known before, and will stay with them for the rest of their days. I understand it is a completely different story if your parent is in some kind of facility and don’t even recognize who you are. It is sad and unfortunate, but I believe that there can be some kind of beauty found there, as well, even if it is just being able to reflect on all that they meant to you and perhaps your kids as well. My dirty little secret is that I’m here, and sadly and honestly above all else, I’m afraid that I’m going to be one that will be forced to plug in. Don’t get me wrong, because I do love my mom, and as the oldest of what use to be six kids, I’m probably the one most like her, and we have had a very colorful and rich time together . I think if we were to take a poll, it would probably be some what of a landslide that most parents make the most mistakes with the eldest or the first born. I have met many people who have lamented over not having their parents any longer, and it is a monumental thing, because for most, this represents the first and longest relationship you have had while on the planet. I’m thankful and grateful for my mom and for all that she has instilled in me, I can honestly tell you that I believe that some of it has kept me from being a victimless statistic, and she poured all in that she had into to her kids to help us to navigate life, was it perfect…NO, was I perfect as a parent…NO. There are no perfect people, parents and we all have made mistakes and would probably choose to do a few things differently. My mom, is unique and she set the template for me to be attracted to strong women, whether she knew that or not. We have a history that has left scars on both of us and I just don’t think out of the five remaining that I’m the one best suited or qualified for this task. This is where my faith comes into play, because I do feel as if this is something that God is calling me to do and whatever deficiencies and inability I may posses God’s grace will be sufficient to see me through. He has orchestrated a great many things to get me to see His hand at work here. Almost a year ago I went hiking with my daughter and her two youngest boys, my daughter was being super protective of me as if I was an old man….debatable☺️, anyway I know that she had been helping her mom care for her father, and some of that was brought to the table, and he has since past on. I was showing off for the boys and I slipped off of a rock, while crossing a creek. I hurt my shoulder in the fall and it still has a twinge to it, but generationally after me, my daughter and her brother will be on deck as in next . I want to say and hope that will be some distant place in the future, but we just never know, tomorrow is not promised to any of us. I would be as short sighted as my fifteen year old grandson, if I don’t look a head and see on some level that we turn into our parents. All I can say is God help me and that I hope that I don’t completely become her. This is part of my challenge, my mom has always been picky and meticulous about how she likes things. She loves to be catered to and a fuss made over her, I’m none of those things, ok perhaps a little meticulous, because she influenced me, but I’ve never been about making it all about me. I feel as if God wants to bring some healing to our relationship that has been long over due. Another dear friend named Lawrence, his mother is getting near the end,and he has shared that he and his mom have had some sweet times together and yes a couple of conversations that were a little uncomfortable, but just think about it for a minute. What would you want or think your last words would be to your child or children? I don’t think that many of us would want to leave without letting them know that they are loved , and perhaps something encouraging. I don’t know of any impending doom of my mom’s life, but she has definitely slowed down and is missing a beat or two, but she’s eighty-five in a couple of months. There is something to this history repeating itself, even if it’s not good history. I have a friend named Gabriel, who recently lost his mom around the holidays last year and he just hammered me about what a mess it can be, coming in and trying to figure out all that your parents had going on with the home, bank accounts and what not. He has encouraged me to have some hard conversations with my mom that I’d rather not have, and honestly I don’t think that I’m up for. It’s not about her demise, I know that she has had that planned out for years, but the aftermath and what I consider to be her love for clutter. I get that eighty-five years is a while and people collect things, perhaps I will feel differently about it once she is gone. Each generation is or has a “Next” , and we don’t always get to leave here in order, so sometimes parents bury children and sometimes it’s the grandparents who get that ominous duty. I will just leave you with love, like there is no tomorrow, and if tomorrow does come, repeat the process everyday until there are no more tomorrows
La perdida de los padres es algo tan difícil que no te acostumbras, pues lo digo por Madre la recuerdo cada día de mi vida 😢, pues siempre mi mamá me dijo que cuando no la tuviera iba querer no perderla nunca y en eso tuvo razón la extraño tanto y el que tiene la posibilidad de tenerla a su madre viva que la cuide y le dé todo su amor.
Sandy The Southerner
I’m looking forward to hearing about your mom, I know that she is gone and that you miss her, but sometimes its just good to remember
La perdida de los padres es algo tan difícil que no te acostumbras, pues lo digo por Madre la recuerdo cada día de mi vida 😢, pues siempre mi mamá me dijo que cuando no la tuviera iba querer no perderla nunca y en eso tuvo razón la extraño tanto y el que tiene la posibilidad de tenerla a su madre viva que la cuide y le dé todo su amor.
I’m looking forward to hearing about your mom, I know that she is gone and that you miss her, but sometimes its just good to remember