, Greetings from my bunker in the south. I occasionally will mention readers of this blog, and sometimes people will throw me for a loop. I think that it now goes without saying that, I was working on something else and this one just came flying in from left field.
My daughter and I have this thing for greeting cards, and when I say a thing , I mean when we share cards for birthdays, anniversaries and such, the card has to say exactly what we want it to say or it stays on the shelf at the store. You guys know what it’s like to try and find a card for someone and it’s only partially true, or it says this, which you love and is appropriate, but some other part , you wish that you could just block out, because it’s a little far fetched, and basically it’s a reach, and sometimes way to far off for me to pick it up and actually purchase it. Bottom line is you want there to be no question about it being from the heart , and expressing the deepest emotions and truths that you wish for it to convey. The best possible outcome sometimes is to make one from scratch and that can be harder than scavenging for one at retail stores. ☺️☺️The Hallmark stores do a great job, and sometimes can be a little overwhelming, and at times way to many choices for nailing it down ☺️☺️. Unfortunately, I believe greeting cards are becoming a thing of the past, they are going the way of the doo doo, because of electronic greeting cards ,and you just don’t have to leave the house for that one. ☺️. Still , there is still just something so special about getting a handwritten card or note from someone, it says that they just took the time.
I recently had a friend, who got me to reflect on another friend. I am someone who makes very clear distinctions between friends and acquaintances. So, while we were bantering back and forth through text messages, they asked me a very specific question about this other friend and our relationship. Almost two years ago, after I had crashed and burned , from what I believed to be a very serious relationship, and I have the scars to prove it☺️, I met this woman online who just had a zest for life. I was doing my angry mad at the universe impression and this other woman had deep pains, scars and emotional issues, as well. There is just something about misery loving company ,or the whole thing about broken people being drawn to other broken people. It was very clear that neither of us should have been on a dating app, and I think for both of us, it was just a way to get our minds off of other life issues, so basically escapism #101. We chatted a bit and I discover that her sister had set up the profile for her to distract her from a bunch of ongoing medical issues…. so in case you are missing the point here, we both threw fishing lines in the pond with no bait on it☺️☺️.
We would chat most days, as you do in the beginning to get to know someone. She had just this absolutely amazing wicked sense of humor. As we began to pry a little bit more into one another’s lives, we began to bond with one another. I don’t know why, but for some reason I found her very easy to talk to, I guess it was because there was no pressure and no pretense. I think in some ways our relationship was based on medical miseries, emotional emptiness and a little bit of a passion for people. She didn’t believe at first that I was real and genuine, because there are just so many fake and disingenuous people floating around on the internet. I guess we both had incredible issues of loss, both emotionally and physically as well when it came to health struggles. I said that I make a distinctions between ,and much of that is based on people’s ability to share themselves and their stories in a honest and clear way. It’s all about being able to be vulnerable with each other. I think in the beginning it was just passing entertainment for us both, and you think to yourself, what difference does it matter sharing all of your deep dark secrets, emotions and hurts, because this is some random stranger who You will never meet in person . It’s like that amenity that many of us share on social media platforms☺️☺️.
She was very interesting and she had these memes of herself, which seemed like for every occasion, I’m not technologically enough to know how she pulled that off , but it was cute and definitely entertaining. We weren’t anywhere physically close to one another, about a ten or twelve hour drive. The more we talked, I got to learn about what an interesting life she had lived. . In her younger days, she had been quite the jock and had set a few school records in swimming, and active in other sports, like track and field, and tennis. I guess we would refer to those as the glory days, because she is so far removed from that now days with a whole laundry list of medical issues and the need for a kidney transplant sitting high above all the others. I think that probably makes things a little bit more devastating, when you have had a high level of activity in your life and then to end up a one eighty from that. I remember her telling me about a party that she was in attendance at recently, and some drunk guy proposition her. We both had a laugh about it because why she looks normal or perfectly fine, most days she struggles to make it across the room under her own strength. It’s just another reminder that we never know what someone is walking through, regardless of the picture on their face.
I will tip my hat to her , because of all that she is going through, she tries very hard to not to be defined by her ailments or her situation. There have been days when she has been crushed by to much activity in a day, but she believes whole heartily in that life is to be lived, and not just to exist or watch it go by as a nonparticipant. She would occasionally go out on a date, and find people who were not understanding or it just be to much for them to handle ,and I get that. She is rarely in a bad mood, even when facing incredible amounts of pain, you know the ones that are a ten out of ten. She is a divorce survivor, that’s what I call people who put up with an awful lot of stuff and did way more giving in comparison to what they received in return , so not a good marriage and she was never blessed with children of her own, even though she loves kids and was a school teacher before disability took her passion away. Things are further complicated by not having a support system. Her parents are elderly with their own health issues and she feels as if she would be an additional burden to them. She has a sister a few hours away in another state, but she helps out as much as she can , between her family and job. She is the picture of a person who tries to make the most of every situation.
So ,we had made it through a year and a very hard holiday season, they can just be the worse, when you are alone, but we encouraged one another through. In March, I had a little time to kill, and so I thought maybe a road trip. It was selfish of me, because she wasn’t doing particularly well, and I thought that we would never meet on this side of eternity. I took the drive up, and we spent a few days together. It was cold up in Ohio, but we had a good time together. We got out of the house and did a few things together. She wasn’t getting out much then, but we hit a few restaurants and even found a nice church on Sunday. There were a few times when her pain level was off the chart and the number one thing that helps her with that is pot. When she lit up, I would just return to the hotel I was staying . I don’t like the smell and I’m also subject to random drug screens at work, so not the place for me. All in all ,we spent four and a half days together, before I headed home.
It was so nice to finally have a face to face, but it meant so much to her that I would take the time and drive all the way up just to meet her, but again I didn’t think I would get another opportunity, because of the progression of her health problems. We did meet on a dating site, but we had become really good friends, based on all of the things that we had shared over the phone and through text messages. I think that we know things about one another that very few other people knew about us. We had built something, and I was thinking a great friendship, but she’s thinking something different or something more. I do love her and I’m so glad that we got to connect, but I don’t see us in that way, in spite the health issues. I think that our personalities would clash and we would hate one another in a personal relationship of that nature. I think that it has made me pull away a little, because I don’t want her to get hurt thinking that this could be something other than a friendship. Its not that I couldn’t see her that way, but we are just a whole bunch of different, from our communications styles and a lot of other things as well. We have things that we are a like in , but more that we aren’t in, and she thinks it because she can’t run and play as she often likes to say, but I believe if I was the guy, I could fully sign on and walk with her through all of these dark times. Sometimes I think it’s because I’m the only one who took the time to see past her afflictions and her difficulties. People are often much more than what you see on the outside and that is definitely true here.
Back to the friend who kind of put this on the table and she asked me if I had, had a conversation with her about how I didn’t see her in that light, and the answer was ,yes I had. I know that she thinks it mostly about her health, but it’s not! Her health has continued to decline, as the wait for a match on a kidney has gone from weeks and months to years. I feel ashamed that I have backed away from her, because I believe that she thinks that there is an outside possibility if she could get a kidney, but its not about the kidney for me. I get that we have been a long distance support system for one another, but as her health has continued to declined, I find it very hard to hear and see, because she likes sending pictures of all that she is walking through. It has made me very squeamish . I think that I could look, see and listen, if it wasn’t someone that I didn’t care about. It’s like being a parent and walking through something with one of your kids and you being completely unable to do one single solitary thing to eliminate the suffering, completely and utterly inadequate.
Let’s bring it home, I reflected on greeting cards in the opener and the wanting them to nail the sentiment. Back in the mid eighties I believe, there was this amazing artist with an even more amazing range in his voice. His name was James Ingram and he had a song called ” I Don’t Have The Heart “. This song said exactly , to my sick friend everything that I was feeling and thinking, and yes I sent it to her. The lyrics are beautiful and absolutely everything that I wanted to say. I know first hand what it’s like to be in a Lopsided relationship with me loving someone and that love not being returned. I think that is how I ended up meeting her in the first place, Heart broken . I’ve been asked before could I lie to someone on their death bed, and if you know me and the things that I have penned in this blog before, then you know that is a not so much!” I can’t love you, not the way You want me to”, is a line from the song. I don’t want to hurt anyone and I think that is a distinct possibility with false hope . We all need hope, and hope in a Creator who loves and cares for us regardless of our situation. I was reminded just this week that hope in God is way more than mere optimism. It’s a hope that looks back at all that God has done in our lives, and knowing that He is completely faithful to do it again. It’s hope based in an eternal love that is never weak , failing or diminishing. When all else fails and seems the most glum, it is a love that has proven itself over and over again and has been back up with the best guarantee of all times. It’s all that you could ever wish for and it was sealed on a cross over two thousand years ago. He didn’t change his mind then and He never will. And while it may be true that I don’t have the heart to love in the way that You need me to, God does. I do believe that with God all things are possible. He calls us to love like He does, but our human frailties will often let us and others down. Hold on to hope and a Savior who loves at all times and surpasses our wildest expectations.
