NTOO-Not The Only One!
Post #22
Hopeless Romantic!
Howdy!
Welcome once again. This is a post that probably will never see the light of day, or ever be published, but if it is, it may require a hankie. I called this one “Hopeless Romantic “, but a whole slew of other titles entered my mind, and I’m not even sure that the given title will define this one. In some of my earlier post I referred to myself as having ” chick brain “, and now I guess days I just settle in for “busy brain “. I have or should I say, God has put some space between myself and Ms. Annomuis, and the obvious reason will be clear in the end. Then I guess this has been a time of just draw a circle around myself and see where things are, or where I am. I know that some people have no problem separating or divorcing themselves from their faith, especially when it gets in the way of convenience, expediency, or just wanting to make a decision or choice that doesn’t line up with the word of God. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on your perspective, I’m just not wired that way, and I’m not judging those who can . I believe as human beings we are capable of tremendous gestures of good and compassion, however the opposite holds true as well. Again the saying is never say never, because you just never know. We might not be able to imagine or see ourselves doing certain things, but given the right set of circumstances, you possibly, probably could and , that is why we have something known as crimes of passion. In other words, our emotions get the best of us. I still find myself learning things about myself as well as others. It’s not that I’m some kind of genius, most of the time, it’s things that God brings to my attention. And yes sometimes they are ugly truths that I really have to grapple with. One of Ms. Annomuis things with me was, she couldn’t wrap her mind around how I could go from a spiritual conversation or topic to one about sex. I guess for me , they are all intertwined. I mean after all, sex is God’s invention, so why wouldn’t they go together? , and there is something spiritual about sex, that I believe most people just miss all together. Now I’m at this place where I have so much that I want to say, but it has no rhythm to it, and while I’ve never been diagnosed with ADD,it’s a possibility that maybe we should consider. 😃Ok, so let’s jump in and see what jumps out. As I’ve gotten older, I have found myself to be much more sensitive, not like I get offended easily, but much more a long the lines of being tender hearted. I can cry at a tender sene in a movie, and don’t even get me started about sometimes in a worship service . Therefore there are things that I use to be very cavalier or even despondent about, that now draws sometimes extreme emotions in me. I’m not sure if I’ve told this story before or not and if I have please forgive me. Probably twenty some years ago, my then wife and I had met this couple at our church and they lived kind of close to us, or at least on our way home. The gentleman’s name was Brooks, and as we visited their home, he had this twelve or sixteen point buck, mounted on his wall and he told me the story about how he had been tracking this animal for a few years. Well the thing was, he cut school one day and that was the day that he got that buck. He didn’t know how to tell his dad that he killed a trophy buck, while he was supposed to be in school. And here is the thing that followed, he said he just didn’t have it in himself any longer to hunt, he had become to tender hearted to take an animal down. I use to hunt as well, and now I get it. Let’s see if I can right the ship. Well this whole thing with Ms. Annomuis, was new for me on so many levels. I never knew that you could love someone like this, while being hundreds of miles apart. The phenomenal part was how we clicked so easily and the connection that soon became so strong. The problem was, that certain changes had taken place in me that I was not even aware of. I’m not talking about crying at a chick flick, even though that happens sometimes, and then trying to disguise it as allergies taking over.😃 Something fundamental in me had changed and I whole heartily blame God for this. I felt as and believed that God had taken every crazy situation, experience, and hurt and pain in my life, and used it to shape me to love someone unconditionally ,and I believe that person was Ms. Annomuis. Yes, I’ve been in love before, and yes, more than once or twice, but this was different and it was going to be displayed through actions , and acts of sacrifice and service, and not just words. God had turned me into this super sensitive man, that really wanted to put someone’s else’s needs before my own. I wanted to make a deep meaningful and lasting connection with that special someone. I wanted to know what they were thinking and feeling and be able to feel that with them. I know that is what we are supposed to say and do, I just never felt as if I had truly been capable of doing that before now. There is something about being aware of your own selfishness and being able to keep it in front of you , so that you don’t trip over it. We all have glimpses of that for a moment or two, then we decided that we are fine, and that it is them who has the problem. As men , if you have a wife or significant other, you know that you are supposed to protect them, and yes the grand gesture of taking a bullet for them . This fails in comparison to a daily sacrifice of dying to self. See its more than just about the grand stuff, the bullet, its the small stuff some times that leads up to the grand stuff. God calls us to love them as He has loved us and His church. There is this honest sincerity about wanting to hear about their day, and hanging on their every word as if it was a first date, and you remember how attentive you were in the beginning. An example of this is sitting down with them watching a show that you completely have no interest in, “Dancing with the Stars” , but you engage with them, connect and let them know that your time with them is important to you. You do this instead of going somewhere else in the house, doing your own thing. I know that I’m probably not doing this justice here. I talked earlier about how you love your spouse or kids, but there are days that you don’t like them very much. See this is where you turn the corner and you find things to love about them on the days that you aren’t too crazy about them. I pretty much subscribe to see someone’s junk or mess, as in flaws, and you make a determination as to whether you can handle their baggage or not, and if you can’t, you need to walk away, or cut bait, because most times people do not change. See this tough season, and that is what I’m choosing to see it as. I have seen somethings about Ms. Annomuis that aren’t the greatest to be honest, and I’m sure that she has seen somethings in me as well, and maybe the honeymoon period is just over. At some point you have to understand other people’s hurts , pains and the things that make them just a little insecure or scared, and be able to come along side and be able to say it’s OK, I got you. Of course, us being human beings, sometimes we will drop the ball and get it messed up, but hopefully not intentionally and definitely not from lack of effort, because we can sometimes be lazy, or go back to making it about ourselves. I have seen and known women, not so much with men, that will just lay it all out there for a relationship. They will do what ever it takes to keep things viable and their is no shame in their game, meaning they just don’t care what others may think. This can be a two edged sword, depending on how things play out. If things work out, they are a super star, however if it doesn’t, they may be made to look the fool , but doesn’t love make us all fools at one time or the other. Sometimes it’s like you forget how to breathe. When you encounter these individuals, they have a certain desperation about them and it’s not the same thing as being desperate. Its more like something is super important to them, and they want to focus on it and be all in. I don’t know how I became one of these individuals. Normally there are takers ,and there are givers in a relationship, and if this doesn’t become a mutual thing, borrowing health issues, the relationship will not endure, or it becomes a little abusive, and one will take the other for granted. I am still amazed by some of the conversations that we had about a future together, and how she could be very flippant and act as if we never shared those hopes and dreams together. I think that you have to see yourself with someone in the future tense. As in vacations, projects around the house, or even a united bucket list. I think that there is nothing worse than one half of the partnership going, all in, and the other half, still having selfish desires about me first. I will give her credit for owning that one and admitting that she was being selfish, just one of those things that I noticed and wasn’t to crazy about. I’m not going to parade a list of flaws, after all , I love this woman very much, and sometimes you have to have blinders on, and be able to overlook certain things. If they aren’t damaging to the relationship or your self esteem, just roll with it. I think to many times we focus on the negative and overlook all of the good the person brings to the table. This is why you see people leaving relationships looking for that ten or twenty percent that their mate or spouse doesn’t posses, and then thinking, what the hell did I just do? Yes, you gave up the eighty for the twenty, not a good proposition, unless you are really hooked on the new math😀. After all there are no perfect people, so you can’t expect your relationships to be perfect. It’s kind of like when you look at political candidates, you most likely won’t find one that you completely a hundred percent agree with, so you go with the ideal, or the one that comes closes to your ideology. Yes, I get that we are discussing romance and not politics, but the premise is the same. I have to confess that even with the self imposed distance the heart still wants, what the heart wants. We are like a sport franchise loaded with talent, and on paper there is no way possible that the opposing team with less than half of the talent is supposed to beat us. See the two us together, is just an incredible match, and we make to much sense together, not to work. The thing that we haven’t considered is the other teams supposedly superior game plan. Coaches do play a part, and they are supposed to know how to get all of that talent to execute and work together. I have probably looked at this from many more angles than she has, because the faith piece of the puzzle just scars the hell out of her. She refuses to look past what she can immediately see and control. I just love it, when we look down the road and think that we got this, when we have no ideas as to what is just around the corner. This is the oppositions secret weapon and it can paralyze the most talented of rosters. Fear can most definitely cripple us and keep us from our full potential, and that is true in all aspects of life. Some people play it super safe, while others can be a bit more open to risk and adventure. Something from my Jr. High school days , keeps ringing loud and clear, and that is ” no pain, no gain”. And as much as we love the benefits of the gain, we can’t actually get there without doing the hard work. If that was true, I would just pay someone to get sleep for me, or exercise for me. If we aren’t prepared to take a risk every now and then, how do we even get across a busy intersection. Life is full of risk, the ones we know about and can see, but more times than not, the unexpected. I’m not going to be a gloomy pus here, because all of the unexpected things in life are not bad. After all, that is how we got our start, it was unexpected and wonderful. I have this picture in my head of her sticking her toe in the water, and then saying that it is really nice, but the toe is as far as I go. Let’s see if we can wrap this up with a nice bow or ribbon. I talk to God, and I will be extremely transparent here, and say that I probably talk, more than I listen, and yes at times that is a problem. There are a lot of things that God has shared with me, and as I have already confess, some of them are ugly. I won’t bore you with all of the specifics, or it will come across as a sermon, and I don’t believe that I was called to preach. I have made mention of our spiritual walks being different, not one better than the other, just different because everyone has their own journey with God. I know that she has a ton of distractions in her life to keep her from the main thing and she is good with that, because it is what she is comfortable with and it seems less scary. My mess is so, so much worse, because I should have known better. God in so many words, pointed out to me that this relationship had become an idol in my life. I know for some of you, you just don’t get it, and others are thinking how did you miss the obvious?. Well to answer that question, I will totally admit to justifying it, just like we do with everything else in life. I told myself that I was invested at a high level because of the long distance thing. I was encouraging her to step up, and all the while I had taken a step down. I thite and donate to charities, not a brag, but the point is, in my finances I don’t tip God, but somehow in my walk with Him, that is what I had become, a tipper. I didn’t see it ,and don’t want to own that one , but when I look at all that He has shown me, I stand guilty. There are a whole slew of scripture verses that come to mind, but when Christ talks about who is not worthy of Him, if they put mothers, brothers and other family or things before Him is unworthy. The language is hyperbole, and He is not calling you to forsake family, but the perspective is to be noted. I know that very few of us spend the kind of time with God that we do with our significant others, and not many of us think in terms of romance when it comes to God, so it begs the question, why not? If He is the lover of our souls, and the one that holds all things in His hands, why don’t we prescribe something romantic there? I don’t have the answer to that question, more of food for thought .
I sometimes wonder if I was being reckless in my pursuit of her, that made me miss things, such as her character trait for selfishness. Again, I’m not beating her up, but sometimes we can’t escape who we are at our core. Speaking of core, perhaps mine is not the romantic part, as much as it is on the hopeless aspect of things. I still believe that God is not done with us, and I know that love always loves, and love always finds a way, at least true genuine love does, and God has supremely demonstrated that to us.
Until next time ✌️
Sandy The Southerner ?
