” Hard Knocks “

• Not The  Only  One  !
• Post # 68
• 2Mar 23
• ” Hard Knocks “
• Howdy!
• Welcome, once again.  I  think  that  most of us are familiar with  ” Hard Knocks “, or the school  of Hard Knocks.  It is such a fashionable  thing that the NFL ,has turned  it into  a  TV show  evolved around  preseason  training  camp.  I  remember  as a  teenager  , doing  those two a day trainings,  getting  ready for  the beginning of the  season.   In high school,  it looked something  like hitting the  field  early in the mornings, before  it got to hot, and then  we would  pick it up again  in the  afternoon  or evening.  It was pretty  grueling,  and yes on some level  Hard Knocks  was appropriate.  It is  usually a  reference for some  on the job training,  that could  have  been  handled or learned in a more gentler way. I  mean  there is just  something about  it and some people approach everything in  life, in this  manner or fashion.  If I’m honest,  I  probably would  be a fifty/ fifty  guy. I’m the oldest of  what  use to be six,, so I  was the trail blazer,  that my younger siblings got to observe and to say no thanks, I  think that I  will  try or do something  different ☺️. I  have  two  kids,  both as smart as a rocket  scientist.  They  were raised in  the same house,   by the same  parents and  they  are  as different as  night and  day. My daughter, being  a  chip off of the old block,  has always  been  compliant. She’s  the type that  is  going to  cross all of the Ts and  dot all of the  I’s. Her brother  on the other hand,  he likes , and loves to test boundaries.  He is  the one that you can  tell him that  the stove is  hot, and  he’s going to  touch it five times, just  to  make sure☺️☺️. In many  ways my son is a chip of the old block as well.  My son is a tall, good looking kid, extremely  talented,  but  not always  willing to  put in the work.  He is  a strange mix of his mother and I,  and  has a lot more of his mother’s   characteristics,  then  mine. I’m not  passing the  buck here, or trying  to  blame  her or anyone  else.  This is just  proof positive that  when  God says that we are all fearfully and  wonderfully made, that He didn’t  leave  anything  out of the mix☺️☺️. I have  often  journeyed  through  life to discover some truth  or life application,  that I  wish  I  had  learned  long ago, or at least  before  it left me with  egg on my face. In my travels,  what I  have  discovered is that these gems in life ,were not hidden,  but often in plain view and I  was  just  to busy doing my own  thing,  or not mature enough to  get it, and  as the saying  goes,  if it were a snake, it would  have  bitten me. Well!, let’s just  let me come clean  here and tell  you that  I  have  been  bitten and  more than  once and  you know where!, that’s  right,  in the  butt☺️☺️. I  have said on  numerous  occasions,  if you  can glean  some wisdom from  my many, many mistakes in life, you would  do well,  just like my younger siblings,  to take pause and  maybe  reconsider some treacherous  path that you may be on this very  moment. I know that some of you would never ponder darkening the door of a church,  temple , or masque, so I will attempt  to lay down a little truth that , I picked up along the way . The smartest,  and perhaps that  is  not  correct,  but the person who  went down in history as being the  most wise,  was credited with  that” there is  nothing  new under the  sun”, and the longer you live, you certainly see that to be true, and  that’s got to suck on some level for people who are paid to come up with  original  content,  but  kudos for  repackaging it as such.☺️☺️. I  believe that  I have  mentioned the name John  Ortberg  before,  he is  a  brilliant man, and  I  think that I  admire him  most for his  transparency.  He does a podcast of sorts and  he served as  a  pastor at a church for over thirty years.  He is a west coast guy, and  he  hangs out with  some of the most intelligent people that You would ever meet. I’m talking the west coast Harvard and MIT types, so in this case, we would  be talking  Berkeley and Stanford peeps. Some  of  this came  from  one of  his pod talks,  but  it  was  not original to him, he put his spin on it, and now, I’m going to  do the same,  my spin☺️☺️. I  believe that  he called  it the five relationship  killers and  I  believe that  I have checked each one of them  off with  an affirmative,  it’s a killer!  So, as Solomon said thousands of  years  ago,  it was true then and it is still  true today.  Let’s, just jump  in, in no particular  order, but again,  I have  tried and tested each one of these, and the one caveat,  that I  wish  to  share with you  upfront is that while deep  in the throws of  blowing up  a relationship,  I was completely  clueless at the time of the  damage that I  was inflicting . It’s kind of  kin to when I was married and  thought that I was  a  pretty  good  husband and  then  to  have God to be brutally  honest with me  and  said, not so much!! Ok, up first is having to  always  be right.  Man, I  can’t  tell  you  how  many times that I  have  died on that hill. If , I’m looking for  a scapegoat here, I’m going to  blame it  on my love of history. I  mean the facts are the facts, and  unlike  our pop culture,  they do not change with  every prevailing wind.  I have learned that  it doesn’t really  matter  who is right, what is important is  finding some middle  ground, so that the relationship can  continue to  grow and  prosper. God has this  funny way of rubbing  my nose into  things, much like you would,  while trying to  train your puppy not to piss all over the house☺️☺️.  I  was  involved in  a  relationship with  a person who had to always be  the  smartest person  in the room. When you are that person,  it leaves  no room for discussion because you  know it all, and it’s much like having a  conversation with yourself,  because when  you  ask a question,  you have  to  presume that you  know  how the other  person  thinks and feels about  everything, and including what and how their response will be. I  think sometimes,  it’s just that we want to keep the facts straight,  but when you do that, you don’t  allow for your partner’s perspective.  It’s like  being an eyewitness at an accident,  you have  five people, and each one observed  something  different for the same event, and  I’m not talking about  relative truth, another story,  for another post down the  road. Let’s,  continue to  unpack this, the next one is controlling your partner, or the desire to change them.   Wow!, where do I  begin with  this  one  here?  It’s like  you met this wonderful person and  they came  equipped with  quirks, that you use to think were cute and  funny,  and now you find  them  more annoying than  cute☺️☺️. I  think that  subconsciously we think of our mates as an extension of  ourselves ,much like our kids , and on some  level  that  is  true. I don’t  really  believe that  our intention is to turn  them  into a  mini me , or some opposite sex version of  ourselves.  I  mean after all,  I  know  me, I  wouldn’t  date me, it would  be  like two negative poles of a magnet,  and we know that they  repel one another.  I believe on the surface that you want someone who compliments you and I’m not talking about with words,  but that they  posses strengths that you  may not particularly have,  and hopefully the same is true of yourself,  that you bring things to the table that may not necessarily  be  their forte. When  I  was  married I  saw that this was true,  my wife and I at the time,  brought  balance and  harmony to  the relationship.  Things that were maybe a  low priority for  me,  was some place where she would  be passionate about  and vise versa, but you have to  have a strong  core of beliefs and  values that  you  both agree upon  and bring similar  amounts of  energy to  bare. I  believe what  gets us in trouble here is when  the partnership is  fracture,  by allowing  outside forces to play a role, which  will  often result in  the  couple growing apart and  often  burning  through any collateral or  equity the relationship once had. This  can  look very  differently for everyone.  Sometimes one person may decide to  go  back to  school,  while  the other  is  content with where they are in life. This doesn’t  have to  be a deal breaker,  but needs to be discussed and worked through.  I  believe what is more  common is  the  mom over invests in  the  kids and  putting  that 24/7 , before the  union of husband and wife,  when  things are  miss prioritize, things can  get  out of balance  pretty quickly.  I  think  one of the biggest take aways is that you  can’t  change  anyone  but yourself and we often  don’t do a very good job of that. If, you are successful in  changing yourself, then  perhaps your partner  would  be  conciliatory in meeting and matching your  changed behavior or response.  I’m not telling you that if you quit smoking,  that your partner will as well,  but it does increase the  odds of that being an option.  Let people be free to be who they  are, so that they  can  flourish in life and  you can be proud of and support them  in the best way  possible…acceptance.  Ok ,the next three border on a level of  a little  manipulation and  I’m not  suggesting that the previous two were not,  just that these are perhaps a little  more obvious.  The third one is  unbridled self expression.  This is  the  one that I’m probably the  least  likely to  do.  If you  are unfamiliar with this  one,  it looks like someone  coming  unhinged and then  disowning responsibility for  their  actions.  It may be some grand rant, accompanied by  “I can’t  help it and you just  know  that  is just  the way that I  am”.  They may be that way, but it is a choice and a subtle way  to bully their  will  and  way into the equation.  And please by all means don’t  let  them  pass the buck and say, ” this is the way God made me”….false, why would  God gift you with  something that  goes against His character?. If anything it is closer to You being a butt hole, and  then you just  grew up into  a  full  fledged one☺️☺️. While  the last one , I’m extremely  unlikely for me to  do, the next one has my name and  fingerprints all over it  to the point  where I  should  probably seek a patent or some sort of copyright ☺️☺️. The next one  is  to withdraw,  and this  one probably has the same success rate as for  when  people try to  use it for a contraceptive method ☺️☺️. I  will  withdraw myself from  a conversation,  discussion,  a dispute or  whatever you wish to brand it as. It may  come across as  if I’m pondering some deep  thought,  when  in actuality I’m pouting and  sulking,  hoping that  my actions, will get you to reevaluate your position and  your thought process about  whatever it  is  that  we are disagreeing upon. While it may look as if I’m taking the moral  high ground by refusing to  continue on the  path that we  are on, it has become a  self defense  mechanism to  pull the  rug out from under my partner.  I’m not sharing this as one of my shiny bright moments,  but just the complete opposite of something that I  have  done,  and learned doesn’t work and is not helpful  for  building and encouraging the growth of  the  relationship. If I’m being  completely  honest,  the last one probably goes hand in hand with the  previous one,  and that is retaliation.  What we should  be thinking  here is, why such a  strong  word for what is supposed to  be  a loving  union. So the last one is retaliation,  this  should be  something  closer to  or reserved for  when you  feel  as one of  your siblings came out on top of some squabble that the two of you  had going on,  but definitely not  in a relationship of  two grown adults or within a  marriage or some other  committed relationship.  I  get  that couples can be competitive sometimes and  that can  be a good thing within  limits and if it’s not over the top, after all  this  is  the person that  you rely on to   keeping you  warm  during  those cold months of  winter ☺️☺️. I  think  it’s one of those things that we just  haven’t  fully  thought through.  There is surely something to  that” if momma not happy then no one else is going to  be  happy  either” , or more positively  put,” happy wife, happy life”. In its proper perspective we need to seek out those win/ win situations. If it comes down to  one of you winning, while the other is loosing,  then  it needs to be viewed as you both have lost.  I  don’t  believe you  can  really  enjoy and savor a victory over someone that  You say that you  love . I could  be wrong  here, because, we often do  takes those steps in and toward retaliation without  counting the  cost, and  believe me there is always a  cost  associated with it.  I  mean  if your goal is to build up resentment and  mistrust,  then  by all means,  full steam a head☺️☺️. We can  loose things and never get  them  back and I’m not talking  about  your  favorite  lighter or bottle opener.  And if by some  chance you  pay attention and  realize what you  have done,  then  just roll up your sleeves,  because there is quite a  bit  of  work a head of you to earn it back. In marriage and  relationship,  we always  need to be thinking about  team, and what’s best for the team and  what moves the team in a positive direction,  and  yes, sometimes that requires  sacrifice and  compromise,  but that should be an equal  burden and not always put on the same person all the time. Ok, I’ve  laid out  for You,  five relationship killers and  deal busters, and  now it’s up to you  as to what you do with them.  As I said going  in, I  wish that I  had a full and better  understanding of  these when I  was  younger,  maybe  it would have  given me wisdom and  kept me from  being  married  more than  once and  perhaps it would have  given  me great pause about  getting  married in the first  place,  but of course  now, I  couldn’t  ever  imagine a life without  my kids, and the joy that  they have  brought to  my life. I’m a little  bit long as usual,  but I’m going to  throw in  a little  bonus material for  free☺️☺️. I  talk about things that  I wish I  had  gotten a hold of earlier in life, and here is a couple  more. Sex for women is in their  heads for the most part, reader pay attention,  especially if you are a dude. The oven that is a woman,  must be preheated☺️.  I have  heard so many  stories about  women  becoming  fridge and disinterested in  sex, and what I have  often  discovered is  that  she is just  not feeling her partner  anymore  and  that  can  be for a multitude of  reasons, and  yes, I’m making an exception for  health and  hormones,  but  often  it’s something  else going on  behind the scenes . If she is not feeling you, then  maybe , just maybe you  have  engaged in  one or more of those  relationship killers and  the on switch  on your oven is now broke and  nonresponsive. This is not something that the Maytag man is going to  be able to  assist you with.  I  could say more,  maybe at another time. Ok, the other one is completely unrelated,  but something that I  wish that I  had learned  years ago, and  perhaps it would or wouldn’t have  made a difference.  My kids were grown  and on their own  before  I  grasped biblical discipline.  I  know  for many that is a foreign  concept and  looking back  it was for me as well.  The first thing  is you should  never  spank your kids in anger, and I  know  that  is something  easier said than  done,  while  being  caught  in the moment and wanting to  act swiftly.  The model  actually has  more verbiage than  corporal actions in it. So, you should  speak to  your  child and  make sure that  they understand what the offense is and  explain why it is unacceptable. The spanking part should only  occur after you have  cooled off or down and that You and the child agree that they have  done something that was clearly expressed as  a  no no. The spanking should be  measured and clearly match the  offense,  not over the top, and  the absolute most important part of all of  this is  to affirm them  afterwards and to hug them and  to let them  know  that  you love them,  and that it’s not them,  but the behavior that got them in  trouble in the first place. You must be able to make a clear distinction between them and their behavior. This is what is meant by love the sinner and not the sin. This is  another one of  these things that  God calls us to  that is a lot easier  said than  done,  most things  in following God ,are hard and extremely  difficult,  come on, who goes around  loving their  enemies ☺️☺️☺️. Again I appreciate you  guys  thoughts and  comments and  so much for  sharing the site.
• Till Next Time ✌️ Peace!
• Sandy The Southerner

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