” Meet Your Match”

Leavable !

• Not The Only One!     
•                         ” Meet Your Match ”  
•                                   Leavable!!
• Post # 89
• 20  Jul 23
• Howdy,
• Hey ,welcome aboard and  buckle up for another  ride. As , I  have  said before,  sometimes  you guys get tidbits about  my journey and  other times  , I  try  to  share someone’s else’s story.  This one today  is  not my own , however  I  can  definitely  relate  to  it  and have  probably  been  on both sides of  the  equation, or be it the train wreck.  I  want to  say  certainly  not ! , but  I’m leaving  room  and space for the possibility that  someone  may have  perceived me  in that way.  Sometimes   someone will  share something and it is just  so full of wisdom and  insight,  that  when  they  share it, you know  that  they  didn’t  come  by this information without  personal  pain and growth.  I’m reminded  that we often  experience  great  personal  growth in the  valleys,  or in the  hard times of life.  This person, said that , they always  felt  ” Leavable” in their  relationships. I  know  that  this is not actually  a word, but it completely  captures the  moment and  the thoughts  that they  were wishing  to convey.  I  think  on the simplest of  terms it speaks to  someone  who  is  traveling  with  someone  who is not  vested  in  the  relationship, or on the same page.  It is  as if they  have  one foot in and the other out ,as if they  could  just  take off in a flash.  On some level,  it is as if you were an interchangeable part or person, and if it wasn’t you, then it could  be  some  other  anonymous person  just  plugged  in, where you are less than comfortable  being right now yourself.  It is the opposite of  anything and everything that would  make  you  feel  secure in a  relationship.   Being  secure in  your personal relationship is  critical,  and  it should be  an absolute  must,  when its someone  whom you share a bed with and so many  other  personal  things.  Security in a personal  relationship is  paramount ,because  it is so closely  connected to  who we are. I  make  that distinction,  because  all to often  people  will  get it twisted and  think  that what they  do for an occupation is  who they  are,  more so with  men,, but occasionally women as well.  One day you could  be  a  server at a restaurant and  the next  a school  bus driver, and  I’m aware that there are people  who  do both things in  a single day,  but it is what you do, its not who  they are.  I sincerely  hope  that  your  relationship  status doesn’t  flip as quickly as that, but perhaps for some it does☺️☺️. If you  are  married,  then  that is a part of who You  are  or at least it should  be. Your  designation as a parent,  is another  place  where it becomes part  of  who you are, but hopefully  so much more than  that.  I  think on some  level,  it is  as if we know  better,  but just  aren’t  brave  enough  to  own  up to it and we lie to ourselves,  and hope for the best. This  is  the  wife ,who knows that  something  is  not adding  up about   all the  business  trips that her husband  is taking .  She    would  really   feel  so much  better,  if his personal  assistant,  had Grey hair, or was overweight,  or had a third eye in the middle of her four head ☺️☺️., instead  of  being  twenty  something  straight out of  college.  I  think  for most of us that there are  tell tell signs that something is  off,  but I  think  that  one of the  primary things is if you can’t  see a future with  someone.  You  guys aren’t  making  plans,  or having  some  common  vision for  what’s next, whether that’s a trip to  the  farmers market,  a vacation or  plans towards  retirement  together. The lack of interest and  interaction  in one another’s lives is  writing on the wall that we are  undeniably observing the  last act of this play. I  think  sometimes  there is this  thin line between  being  comfortable and  being  lazy.  I  think that  most  of  us  can  do comfortable fairly well and  knows  what that looks like,  but we don’t  always  see or identify with  the  lazy. The lazy is when  we  think that the relationship will  survive  on auto pilot.  It can , and it will , for a little  while  depending  on  how  much  emotional  equity you  have  built up, but anything  left  to it’s own  demise will  deteriorate,  fall  into   bad repair , or  just  up and die, and if  you don’t believe that,  just stop watering your plants or feeding your pets ☺️☺️. If you being  comfortable has led you into  becoming a  couch potato and you don’t want to  go out for dinners , movies,  or socialize with  friends and family,  or other  couples,  then  you  my friend, have  found yourself on the  slippery slope of being  married in name only. I might  just  be  a  little to old school,  but I  was raised with the  mindset of  whatever  you did while you were  hunting and  trying  to  cut  one from the  heard, you have  to  continue to  do down the  road or  otherwise  it was false  advertisement,  or bait  and  switch at a minimum ☺️☺️,, unless  we are talking about  going out  dancing.  Most men only  do that , while  hunting and  after  they hang that Doe up on the wall,  those  dancing  shoes go to Goodwill ☺️☺️.So if you use to send flowers  for no reason at all, or little  surprised gifts, or the occasional  foot message,  those things should still  be  going on  , on some level,  it may have to be modified,  but there has to be something  to show that you  still care and that they are still  important to  You  and that they  still  move your heart. Let’s get back to Leavable,  I  think about that old song ” love the one your with”. I  mean  you can  say that, but is it really?  People can say those three little  words, but the lack of sincerity and  the  hollowness of  them  passing  across their  lips , makes you more fearful than it does secure.  Again we find reasons at times  to  put up with  things  that   makes us feel  less than, adequate,, or just  doubt our worth  as a human  being.  It could be  do to financial situations that  keep you  tethered  to them,  could  be kids, or it could  be  crazy sex, but more than  likely not so much! , especially with one gender, sex starting in their  heads and with  such murkyness, that would be  both  rare and  odd. We have to remember that  love is a choice and many people can’t  comprehend that  concept and they  are all bound up  in  the  emotions of  it and when that wanes ,so do they. If someone can muster up the  words that they don’t  love you  anymore  , don’t  believe  them  ,because  it just  means that they  never did. It may have  been  lust, or some infatuation, ,or some  other  strong  emotion,  but it wasn’t  a confident  choice to  love. There is this other ugly truth that  we have to grapple with and  that is whoever  loves the least is in full  control  of the  relationship.  I  know  that  doesn’t  make  sense,  but it is absolutely true. The dichotomy of this   is that the one who isn’t  loving  is free to  pull out anytime  that they  want to  ,while  the other  person is constantly   redouble their  efforts into  making  it work.  It just  speaks to  one side’s  selfishness and  the other side’s  desperation as to do anything and  everything to get it  to  work.  Now , I  have  definitely  been  there before  and  not that long ago, and I  want to  say regardless as to how hard you  try to love someone back  into a relationship,  it just  doesn’t work.  It’s like  trying to  get  someone to  become a  Christian,  if it’s not something  between  them and  God, there is no hope that  ship will  ever sail. This  brings us to  our “pickers”,, you know the thing that  made us believe in the  first place that  this  person  would be  a  suitable candidate for building a  life with.  I  have  met and  encountered a  large number of  individuals who  have  been  married two,  three, or more times,  and yes, you definitely  question  yourself and  your  ability  to  know  what is good and what is not. On some  level,  you ask  yourself do you know the difference between a  good old rice cake and  rat poison.? ☺️☺️. I  make a joke here, but you really  begin  to  question yourself and  especially if it’s a place that you have  been  before that you vowed to never return.  I  mean  it shouldn’t  be  rocket  science to pick out a nice girl or guy , and I  get  that  sometimes  people are really  good at hiding  who they  really  are and  we have  to make allowances for the  huge percentage of  people out there, who have  no idea of who they are themselves.  It’s like  trying to  get to  the other side and  the bridge is  out, or more  accurately, the lights are  on,  but there is no one at home☺️☺️,,pity and shameful  , but entirely all to true, way to  much of the time.  I  want  to say by a show of hands, how many of  us  can  say that  they were emotionally  unavailable,  a narcissist ,, abusive  in  some way,  or had mommy or daddy issues,  and  sometimes  both. ☺️☺️ There  are  probably  a  variety of  reasons for our pickers being off. I  don’t think that  there  is  any hard and fast rules for that because  we are  all  so different . I  know  for myself,  it had a lot to do  with  not taking the  time  to  stop ,pause,  breath, evaluate and  most importantly to  heal.  The death of a relationship should  be  mourned, much  like  an actual  death, and if you don’t  have  that time period,  then  often  we are setting  ourselves  up  to  repeat some not so positive  history.  We just struggle  to  escape the gravitational pull of where we have  been  and  the  rhythms that come along with that . At this stage  of life ,,we aren’t  teenagers,  and should  have  figured out  some of the basics, beyond  playing  musical partners  .We all like  what we like,  and  there is not much  fun in the liking without the  having ☺️☺️.I’m fairly  familiar with  broken people  gravitating  towards other  broken  people.  See, if the other  person is  healthy,  they  can  spot it  a mile  off about your lack of  availability and  functionality. I  think  one of  the  worse things for myself,  was thinking that I wasn’t  trust worthy,  as in I couldn’t  trust  myself and the calls  I was  making In  this particular area of my life.  It was like  being  a  junkie and  not having  any impulse control  over  what I would  do to achieve my  fix, so just  totally  untrust worthy.  I  can  barely  describe the  second and  third guessing of my choices.  It can  be paralyzing and  you  will  sometimes  talk yourself  out of a person,  just  based on your  past and  the fears of history  repeating itself. I  don’t think  it’s a good place to  be  in life without  hope. I think  many  of  us just  throw in the towel and  then  we aren’t  hoping  that it will  happen  for  us,  and most times  it  will  not, because  we have  closed ourselves  off to the possibility of  anyone  coming  into our  lives who would  treat us  well,  or exceptionally. I  mean after all  , we have the unconditional love of our pets, as long as we continue to  take care of  them ☺️☺️.  I’ve got just  a  little bit  more for you.  If you have  been  with me  for  any amount of  time  at all, you have  probably  heard me talk about  God and  His love for us,   don’t  run off just  yet, not what You are thinking.  ☺️Well,  God doesn’t  grade sin on a sliding  rule,,
• with  different  degrees,  so to God, sin is sin, and there are not little  sins and big sins, it’s just  all sin. Ok, so why do I  bring  this up? Well, why there are  not varying  degrees of sin, there are  varying  degrees  of  brokenness.  So why we far to often  give to much  credit to having a  broken picker, often the people that  we pick out are just as damaged and  broken as  we are  and sometimes even  more  so. This is both  ironic and  a tragedy as well. They can  take the high ground and  not love you back , but it may not be you. They are often  people  themselves who have  never been  loved properly and  we are expecting something from  them  that  they  have  no idea how to give or receive. Remember, if they  were healthy,  they  should have  been  able to  spot that You  weren’t.  Again  hurting  people,  hurt  other  people,  and  it’s a chain that we need to learn to  break. When  people can’t  or don’t know  how to express  love,  that is not on you. If you or someone  you  know  is  always  starting  over, as in with  new people, because you  are  picking emotionally unavailable  people. If the people you pick  have  issues  about  commitment and  or trust issues,  those  things  never  go away  on their  own.  We only  learn to manage them or get really  good at hiding them. I know that  there is a  percentage of  you that don’t  believe  or get  the validity of God’s  Word,  but  it  all throughout  encourages us  to  do some  self  evaluation,  a gutt check,  if you  would.   God’s  Word  says for us to not think  so highly of  ourselves. All of us are broken in some way or the other,  and  as I  said  some more than  others.  One of the worse things in life is  to walk around with  a booger on your face or person and to  be completely  unaware of it. We like  to  surround ourselves with  people  who  look like us , think  like  we do, and  have  very  similar  cookie cutter lifestyles,  so if you  are depending  on  them to tell  you  about  the  booger, they  are  just  as clueless as  you  are, and  probably  have  their  own  that you can’t  help them  with  either.☺️☺️. I  have also talked about this podcast that I  enjoy from  John Ortberg,  and last week  he was talking about  professional  counseling, and  thought that  the majority of  the  population would  more  or less benefit  from  someone  with  initials  behind  their  name. So, back to the self  evaluation,  seek out someone  who  is trained and  objective and who will  probably  not tell  you things  to make  you  feel  warm and  fuzzy  all over☺️☺️. Make an appointment and  be honest with  them,  because  if your not, you  are  wasting  both  time and  money.  Think of it as a tune up for your  personhood.  I  need to  close this out,  but we are  all created in the  image of  God and  He didn’t  make  any unlovable  people,  regardless of  how  broken they may  be. I’m not condoning anyone  getting  involved with  a project,  but just  like  most  projects it’s probably  going to  require  more than  you are prepared to  handle and that is where the professionals  come in. I have  a  friend,  well  at least I think  we are friends, her name  is  Laura and she  did  me a  solid favor  by calling  me  out on my crap and letting  me  know that  I  was broken and  had no business inflicting me on any other  human  beings at the time.  She  was both  lovely and  kind and I  just want to say  thank You  to her for having the strength and courage to  speak up . We don’t  always encounter brave and  kind people,  so we need to do some self diagnostics and  be honest and stop kidding  ourselves about  what a great catch  we are. There are those rare times,  but if we are all that and a bag of chips,  then  someone  would  probably  have  swooped in and took  us off of the shelf.  Don’t  give up,  Don’t  settle,  but be vigilant,  be healthy  emotionally and  learn to  trust yourself again and  it just  may pay off for you, and you may meet your match, and perhaps when you least expect it . . Love you guys and remember that  God love’s you  more and I mean so much  more.
• Till Next Time ✌️ Peace!
• Sandy The Southerner

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