- Not The Only One!
- Post #63 26Jan 23
- IT’S WHITE and IT’S WAVING !
- Howdy!
- Hey gang!, and as always, thank you for being there. This may not be where we usually start out, sometimes where we end up at, and with my brain ,we just never know, but it seemed fitting, so please hold on , because I’m sure that there will be some shifting about much like a mudslide☺️☺️. If you go to the book of Luke, chapter 2 verse 36, there it tells of a story of a female prophet named Anna, and no she is not the main point or character of the story, but I want to for a minute to focus on the few details that we have about her. It says that her husband died after they had been married just seven years, and now she was at the tender age of eighty-four . Now we know from the story of Mary and from Jewish customs that many times young girls were pledge in marriage from their early teens and if they went much past their early twenties that they were considered to be old maids, and I’m really not trying to do another post about child brides☺️☺️. Any way you slice this or dice it Anna had been a widow for close to sixty-five plus years, and it said that she had devoted herself to full time service to God at the temple. Now this was over two thousand years ago and a culture that is vastly different, that few modern day westerners can comprehend. If this doesn’t represent one of the first true representations of raising the white flag of surrender in the dating culture, then , I don’t know what does. As I said vastly different culture, so let’s spin it fast forward to our western mindset. According to a very popular dating app, love is found every fourteen minutes. Now,, I’m not going to argue the validity of that statement, however with the current population of over eight billion people , over seven continents, I’m sure that there may be some truth to it. However, how about us who feel as if love may be found every fourteen weeks, months, years , or not at all. In this day and age, , and in our culture, I think that those fourteen minutes may resemble something more closer to a needle in a hay stack, or something close to light years across the cosmos. I’m not a party pooper or a wet blanket, but let’s just look at some real life scenarios. When you marry in your twenties or thirties, most of the time those two people grow together. There will be certain patterns and habits that they will develop and refine, and they will become their norm. It can be anything from how they raise their kids, how they handle finances, who sleeps on which side of the bed. They will also determine how they will deal with conflict in the relationship and what is the proper and acceptable way of dealing with in laws. There is a whole host of things that couples settle into and some of it very subconsciously. These practices, for the most part will be come the foundation for their relationship, be it marriage, domestic partner, or even one of those long term engagements, with no future date anywhere in the near future ☺️☺️. I think that is what they use to call shacking up, but the pattern and habits will still form, nonetheless. I hope that we can just be honest here and state that all relationships have conflict at some time or the other. It doesn’t specifically mean only in interpersonal relationships ,but all. There is probably something that you haven’t been to happy about from time to time with your job, and if not that, then maybe your favorite Starbucks barista, put just a little to much cinnamon in your horty tordy coffee drink, yeah!, cause for conflict. The point is that these patterns and habits develop over years and can most of the time change your neurological pathways and become ingrained and become hardwired in your personality. Heaven forbid if there is a disturbance in the force, and that disturbance leads to what is sometimes known as irreconcilable differences. The point is that for some significant amount of time, you built habits with someone and they knew if the toilet paper was supposed to go over or under on the spool in the bathroom. Now , after another significant amount of time, you decide that you want a new dance partner, because the old one, just wasn’t cutting it. This time line will vary from person to person, and I know that after a divorce sometimes, that people are so damaged, that the only thing that they can really think and say is” never again “. While a few will choose that path, most will not. After all, we have spent the majority of our lives in a relationship of some sort of the other. So, let’s move past the ones who want to become the crazy old cat lady, or the grump old man, who want to rail against the government and live off the grid☺️☺️. The vast number of us at some point will want to seek some form or kind of companionship. We think to ourselves, let’s stick our toes back in the pool and see how the water feels, or is going to treat us. On the surface, this is not a bad idea, but for most after years of being in a marriage that wasn’t completely delightful, otherwise we would probably still be there, we often aren’t sure how to proceed. I mean let’s face it, if we were dating in our marriages as we should have been, perhaps things would have been different, so what’s it like to date again, and at this age and stage of life? It’s time to be real, and honestly, most of us have a laundry list of what we don’t want in a relationship, based on our history. The problem is that we often focus on what was wrong in the relationship and give very little consideration to the things that did work on some level. If we take an honest inventory on what we walked away from , sometimes, we may think, we could have fixed that, and it wasn’t so bad. We’ll, if your not there yet, just wait until you see what’s waiting for you out there in the dating pool ☺️☺️. I spoke a minute ago about the things that we don’t want, well, dissatisfaction has given you a wish list, longer than anything that Santa has ever had to deal with ☺️. We have had time to sit back and see how the other half lives, the other half? , yes the other half, the people who have successful, functioning relationships in their lives . I like to compare this to kids now days, and when I say kids, I’m taking about young adults. The kids now days ,think that they should just magically get or have all of the things that took their parents, twenty, or thirty years to acquire and amass. As you can imagine, there is a slight disconnect here, but it keeps few from jumping into to debt to mimic the lifestyle . The parody here is that we do the same thing with these relationships that we form and enter into in the second half of our lives. We desire some cohesiveness with the people that we meet online or wherever to function as if we had spent the majority of our lives with them ,and that they would just know all of our likes and dislikes, and again just magically and perfectly fit into our world, with all of its moving parts. Let me tell you and give you some reasons for the odds being stacked against that actually happening. Remember, earlier when I talked about couples growing together and establishing a routine or a rhythm together, well, while you were doing that with your ex, they were doing, the very same thing with their ex. This is where we get all of our wires crossed. So , why both parties are in search of some kind of a relationship, there is a huge discovery process that has to take place. The ” Discovery Process ” , could actually be dubbed, ” I will show you mine , if you will show me yours”, what exactly are we talking about here?….BAGGAGE!! . Now some have made some level of peace with their last dysfunctional relationship, while others may be in denial, and some carrying it around like it’s a Siamese twin or something. I hate to throw this little tidbit into the equation but for some it actually goes beyond their last relationship and has deep seated roots in their upbringing, we will get back to that in a moment. So, let’s continue on as to why things are not stacked in your favor and many times the proverbial cards are stacked against you. I’m not an economists or a math wiz, but I do think that there is a time and place for a good old fashioned pie chart. Hang with me here for a minute here and let’s see if we can extrapolate a few different variables. First thing I want to sadly comment on is that people are not always forthcoming or forthright with who they are and where they are coming from. I don’t want to come right out and say that people are dishonest, but there is an element of that. However, there are also a group of people who don’t know exactly who they are, what they want, or what they want to be when they grow up, you can laugh, but its sad and true. Some like to play their cards close to the vest, I fall into this category myself, I don’t really consider it being secretive, it’s more of a need to know basis, and if it’s relevant and can be impactful on the relationship, then yes we need to have a conversation about it. We all have skeletons in our closets, some more than others, but there is not a need for them to come out on a first, or second date, it could possibly scare off the “One”, and the one thing that I have noticed is that so many of us have very similar skeletons, to the point, where the bones really are interchangeable ☺️☺️. Let’s get back to my fascination with pie charts. I’m going to discuss somethings that many of us have to deal with and take under advisement when considering a new dance partner. What I’d like for you to do is to think about if these things fall into a high priority, somewhere in the middle, or it makes no never mind to you. The funny thing is that with each of these headings you will find people solidly camping out there. There is the big three, which is sex, religion and politics, but to ease you in, we won’t start there. This one should probably be included in with the big three, but to be honest, any and all of these could be a game changer depending on if it’s a high, midway, or low concern for you. First up, finances . This one reminds me of one of my college professors, when I was a freshman. He stated that he had his, and we had ours to get , but of course he was talking about a degree. In every area of a relationship at this stage of the game you want to find someone who is at least you equal. This isn’t specifically about finances but you want to find someone who matches your energy and your intensity, with a similar MOJO. At this stage of life with people pushing retirement and many wanting to travel, money can often be a deal breaker. It doesn’t matter if it’s the woman or the guy, you don’t want to be supporting all of the extra curricula activities, all the time. I’m a little old school, so I do believe in Chivalry, so I don’t usually have a problem picking up dinners , movies, concert tickets and whatnot, but if you are talking about a cruise or traveling internationally, that could be another whole conversation ☺️. Again, depending on where you are on the graph, some people have done very well in life, and they don’t mind sharing, or paying for a good travel partner. Let’s look at another one before hitting the big three. Kids!, yep kids, I will probably step on a few toes here. My mom, who is in her mid eighties, always said that she she would never get involved with someone who had kids, which made me think, what the hell !, because she birth six of her own. She further went on to say, that she knew how she had raised us, but she didn’t know what their parenting skills may or may not included, and the show was called “Father Knows Best”, but was my mom laying down some truth or what? I want to say that I’m shocked by the number of people who have done less than an adequate job of raising their kids. I want to say shocked, but its pervasive throughout our culture , and you can barely make it through a day without seeing an example of “they should just know better “. Whether it’s being tied to their parents for finances an allowance, or a trust fund, there is another piece of the puzzle as to why there are help wanted signs every where you look. The failure to launch thing is real and the history goes way back to the parent saving and protecting them from every possible life lesson, that would lead them to stand on their own two feet. It’s not always about money, it could be that they want to drop their kids off at just any old time of the day or night. I’m a grandparent myself, so yes I understand about how enjoyable it is to have the grandkids around and how fast they grow up, I’m just saying sometimes there need to be boundaries, and that’s all I’m going to say about that, but other people’s kids can be an impact, and the two of you need to be on the same page about that. Final word on other people’s kids, is don’t engage unless asked to ,and then use extreme caution. Running out of time and space, so let’s getter done!. In no set order, because all three can and have been devisive in relationships.. politics, this one , just drives some people’s nuts and they can get wrapped around the axel very quickly. My experience has been that women tend to be a little more liberal in this area, while I think most men go in the opposite direction, especially in the latter years. This one area, people have very deep emotions and passions, and I will just be honest and say that I’ve seen it to be the kiss of death in relationships. This may or not so much be a smooth Segway into religion, but I’m going to use it to piggyback into it. In some ways Religions seem to pop up new ones everyday, not much different from porn sites, an off cuff joke, but they are numerous. I don’t want to presume about anyone’s walk with there God, but for a second I would like to hauler at my peeps , and I mean Christians, I was just talking about politics and I believe that when Jesus walked the earth that politics was a hot bed, much like today and it took place under a Roman occupation. I don’t recall Christ becoming overly engaged in politics, actually quite the opposite, He side stepped it , and sort out the the sick, the hurting, and the people who were the most marginalized in society, and now two thousand years later, those of us who say that we are His followers, have completely flipped the script and we live and die, based on which party is in power, of yeah, and we have no to very little time for the marginalized, sad but true. We have a civic duty to be informed, to vote our values and to confront and resist evil wherever we encounter it, but what is wrong with the world and our culture will not be solved at the ballet box. Should I apologize for once again being up on my soap box?, let’s just move on, the religion/ faith thing can be profound and how well do I know that first hand. It’s not always about do we believe the same things and in the same ways, but faith is a very personal thing and everyone approaches that differently and as I found out my last time out of the gates, some people just say that it’s not their cup of tea, at all, in any given fashion. This may sound like a bad joke, but I once encountered a lady who had been married three times, and her spouses were, Christian, Muslim, and an Atheist, and to her they were all one in the same, I mean, like really?? I want to say that followers of any given faith have probably done more to drive people away than to get them to agree with whatever it is that they say that they believe in . There are just so many religions and cults out there, how can two people come together on the same page as worshippers. There is just so many sects and divisions and denominations within any one faith organization. I think I remember Christ saying that they would know and be known by their love and unity, and we just have such a very far way to go. I hate to use the word tentacles when dealing with the faith thing but, man has made complex, which I’m pretty sure God didn’t mean to be that way. The issue with money, leadership, mission, and all other sorts of programs and just church busyness, and don’t forget about the occasional scandal, tentacles may be the proper word after all ☺️☺️. There is more to be said here than we have time, so let’s move on to sex. Is this the great equalizer in relationships or another mine field? This one area carries so much weight, for so many. Sometimes after years in a bad marriage or relationship, the sexual revolution is a new and wide awake. It’s to much of, not enough of, freak, vs. Non freak. I previously discussed this from a health standpoint and where people’s libido can be all over the place. Earlier in this offering today, I talked about things going back to people’s upbringing. Well, it maybe hard to believe, but there are still people out there who can’t honestly and openly talk about sex ,and it goes back to their sometimes very modest upbringing. I guess for them it is like the Nike add, just do it! I’m not going to say that they are sexually repressed, because you shouldn’t label that book, nor judge it based on the cover.☺️. I do believe at this stage of the game you should be able to very clearly be able to articulate your wants , needs and desires. Again at this stage of life people have a wide range of experiences and or things that they wish to try out.☺️. This is definitely an area where it comes down to fit, and I’m not talking about physically, but compatible mindsets . I, in a previous post talked about certain abusive situations that people have endured and sex can be an area that needs to be approached gingerly and with the utmost care and understanding. Again much more could be said here, and I think that I would enjoy saying it , but its time to fasten your seat belts and bring your tray tables back to an up right position. If you can find someone who compliments you, as in your guys look good together, similar BMIs , think in the same range as far as health, love the same kinds of music,, think the same things are funny, like similar diets and lifestyle choices, such as smoking drinking , and the use of four letter words, or not so much! How do you feel about pets in addition to kids, because, to some people, pets are their kids. You definitely don’t want to be with a gym rat, if the most exercise you get, is getting up to get another beer. If you make each other laugh, but also are able to laugh at themselves, be kind, honorable, gracious, generous, flexible and supportive. If you have someone you love, hold onto them tightly , in a lose kind of way, no one wants to be smothered, and it’s always an added bonus if they can be trusted around friends and family. And if it’s some one who you can see yourself finishing the dance with, as in on the porch together, in the rocking chairs , love them with all that you have in side of you and go out of your way to spoil them and make them feel special every opportunity that you get, because what you have is unique to you guys and in a world of imperfect people, you have found the one that is imperfectly ,perfect for you. I know that for myself, when I was with Ms. Anonymous, she checked just about every single box, but one, and it was the one of faith and yes, I’m telling you that one box, trumped all of the others, because for me it was a high and for her it was a low to nonexistent, I’m telling you, every fourteen minutes is a needle in a hay stack. I think that to many of us are waving the white flag of surrender, when it comes to finding our partner in life. We act as if that pint of Ben & Jerry’s, and binging on our favorite Netflix is going to some how satisfy one of our deepest longings in our souls and that is to have someone to care about us and to love use no matter what. And if you are unsure about that, let me be the one to break the news to you that Chunky Monkey or Cherry Garcia is just not capable. Well me, I don’t know about the white flag, but I think that there is a strong possibility that I had my last first kiss and it was somewhere outside of Boston. Be brave and courageous, and keep hope alive.
- Till Next Time ✌️ peace!
- Sandy The Southerner
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Nada en la vida es perfecto
I love that you are reading these and that you can translate them into Spanish