- Not The Only One!
- Post #44
- ” More than I bargained For “
- Howdy! Welcome and once again, thank you for being here. I appreciate you guys wanting to join me again on my journey. We have all experienced times of feeling that people have over promised and under delivered. It may have been a company or corporation that provided a service or product, that left us feeling deflated. As I have said before, we have all experienced disappointment on various levels, over some very challenging circumstances. I don’t have to drag any of us to pain and heart ache, because it is something that we are all familiar with. It is just a natural part of life, we can’t always control what happens to us, be it good or evil. We can certainly not control other people and as I have often said, control in life is an illusion. However, if we stop and remember to breathe, we can absolutely control our responses to life’s interactions and intersections. This post is about when we get maybe just a smidgen more than we expected or bargained for. I think at some point we have all probably purchased something that came with just one or two more than we thought that we were getting, be it an extra hot dog in the pkg, or maybe it was a few extra cookies or candy in the package. Perhaps you hit a drive thru, and when you got to your destination, there was an extra fry or burger in the bag, and Lord knows we have all absolutely experienced the opposite of that at a fast food joint. It may be common practice in some parts of the country in rural areas , that when you make a claim on your home owners policy, that the agent that sold it to you is the one who comes out to access the damage. That is not how it works for most of America, so when, that does happen, its considered above and beyond, and just a little extra. I want to share a crazy online dating experience that one of my long time acquaintances named Anthony experienced. First thing that should have registered with you is that I referred to him as a long time acquaintance , and not a friend. Anthony or as those of us who have known him for a long time refer to as Tonio. He is a person who loves to keep up pretenses ,and very few people probably ever get to know the real him, because everything about him is controlled and about appearances, aka polished. He just turned sixty and he is divorced with two adult children. His son is a rock star, and his daughter is taking her time to figure out how life works, much to her father’s dismay. He works as an executive in the health care field and he has a lot of life long friends who look and think much like himself, so they also only know the outward appearances of one another. Since his divorce he has dated off and on, and I do believe that he found this one particular lady that he liked, but I think that she hurt him, and forgiveness is not one of his strong suits. I think on some level that he wants to be in a real relationship, but it has to be on his terms, and check all of his imaginary boxes. I don’t believe that he is a spiritual or religious person, however at times, he does demonstrate that some parts of his heart are tinder. I know that whenever I have tried to engage him over the years, he has an expression much like a deer in the headlights. He comes from a well to do family and much of his focus is on the matriarch of the family, his mother, who blesses him and his two siblings with considerable cash donations throughout the year to offset her taxes. He’s a nice enough guy on the surface and that is because that is far as his suit of armor will allow. I’m not trying to paint him as a materialistic person, but that is just kind of who he is. He has to live in the right neighborhoods and drive the right luxury model, and all social media has to be pristine and manicured like a well groomed lawn. Everything is about appearances. I wouldn’t call him a metrosexual , but he dyes his hair on a regular and he even has a scar on his leg, that he puts concealer on if he’s ever in a pair shorts. Personally, for myself, that has become one of the joys of getting older ,and that is that I care less and less about what others think of me. And I will definitely say that’s a their problem ☺️☺️. So he can hang out with his buddies and grab a drink every now and then and possibly a luncheon on the weekends, but he really feels as if something is missing from his life. I really do believe that he wants to share his life with someone, but he doesn’t know how to make that happen because he is so guarded, and on some level very comfortable with where he is in life, and doesn’t know how to share with someone else, because he is set in his ways, spoiled, and a little egocentric. When I have conversed with him about finding a partner, it’s almost as if he has brought into what Hollywood says that a relationship should look like. He does have in his life people with life long marriages and while he admires them and has a high level of respect for them enduring the years, it seems like more work than he’s willing to commit to. He wants someone baggage free, and that is rare, extremely at this phase of life and almost nonexistent. I get that you want to minimize drama in your life and that does sometimes equate to the amount of baggage that someone has. Tonio is, a little shall we say ,oblivious to his own baggage and can’t see how it plays out in his life and relationships. The more that I listen to him talk about what he is looking for, I think that he would be better off with a sex doll, or paying for an escort service so he would have someone to do the occasional dinners with or go listen to some live music that he is so fond of. I’m on the fence here, and I’m not sure if he is unable , incapable or just unwilling to be able to work through a full time, day to day relationship, makes my heart go out a little bit for his ex wife. Bottom line is, he is a very well put together mess. So, he dabbles with the online dating thing and I’m sure that he has been on close to a dozen dating sites looking for what has become illusive to him because of his own unresolved issues over commitment. Here is a turn of events from this one lady that he met online. They met on an online dating site and seemed to hit it off, even though she was in New York and he resides in North Carolina. Based on what he told me about her, they seemed like a really good match and they decided to meet in person. He took a few days off and flew to New York. He rented a car and stayed in a hotel, hoping to get a couple of good days in with her, while he was in town. They got together and discovered that they had a strong bond, and that it wasn’t just one of those flukish online things. I think that he told me that they talked on the phone just about every day. They began the process of traveling back and forth visiting one another. As things progressed, they discussed possibilities for the future of it being something leading up to some kind of formal commitment, which I was happy for him and at the same time a little concerned because I knew that he had commitment issues. They had professed love for one another, so I thought maybe he had turned a corner. I had noticed that she had been extremely generous in her gift giving to him, and often showered him with somewhat expensive, but thoughtful gifts , but he hadn’t seemed willing to reciprocate. When I inquired as to why that was, he first said that he didn’t know. I had met her on one of her trips down to visit him. She was attractive and seemed to quite comfortable in her own skin. I had observed the two of them out at a rare group function with some of his family, and she seemed to be a hit. As things continued to grow and progress, I observed him nick picking at her and trying to find reasons for the relationship not to work. She had been extremely honest and open with him about pass relationships and mistakes that she had made. She had expressed remorse and had admitted to learning some hard lessons along the way. She had told him things about herself, that I think she hadn’t shared previously with too many people. She was hoping for a clean slate with him and a fresh start. Remember what I said about one of his previous dating experiences which left him hurt and wounded. Forgiveness is not a strong character trait for him, so even though her past missteps had nothing to do with him, he found a way to take one of her past relationships and drag it into their current relationship as a means to sabotage something that was going to well. Remember he is looking for flawless and while he was very enamored with her on a high level, his default is to not let people get close to him and see what is behind the facade. I remember us watching a game on TV at a Wildwings Cafe over a beer ,and I asked him how it was going, thinking that this could possibly be the “One” for him. He said that things were good, but it didn’t quite add up with his demeanor or facial expressions. I was thinking to myself to just let it slide, and at the same time I thought that this could be that one opportunity that he may let his guard down and perhaps our relationship could move beyond the superficial, you know me and sometimes I just can’t help myself ☺️☺️So, I asked him a few open ended questions that he had to expound on, instead of his usual silence or yes or no’s, about his personal life. He talked in circles and divulged an incredible amount information about their time together. I was both shocked and surprised. It was almost as if it had been building up inside of him, and it had gotten to a point of overload compacity. He had so many thoughts in his closed off compartmentalize mind, that he couldn’t take more on, without the possibility to jettisoned some of the old data. I think this was possibly a time when I got a little more than I was hoping for. It wasn’t that it was to much, but more so that it was unexpected. As I listened to him, I got the impression that she was an exceptional woman who had expressed love to him in a way that he had never experienced before in his entire life, and it scared the hell out him, because he had no idea as to how to reciprocate that. Her unconditional love and acceptance of him , really threw him for a loop. He had always known that there was something different about her, from everyone else that he had ever met. He found it both comforting and eerie at the same time and he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. The more we talked, it became obvious to me what it was that he couldn’t put his finger on. It was her faith. While he had gone to church with her when she visited and he attended with her when he was in New York. It wasn’t something that he did or had any interest in before he met her, and now she had some how incorporated it into their relationship. She had researched churches online for when she visited him that they could attend together. I think that she was secretly hoping that he would buy in and that it wouldn’t just be him checking off a box He kept telling me that he didn’t like the fact that she had been married more than once, and for him that was a potential deal breaker. Later in life, we all have deal breakers for various reasons. We may not care for the way someone handles their money and finances. It maybe the way they interact with their adult children, as in they didn’t raise them with enough discipline or maybe to much discipline. And yes, it can come down to the way they keep house, perhaps just a little to messy, or a neat freak to the tenth degree. Anthony was expressing his discontent over her being married more than once, but the overtones were more hinting around to her faith. She possessed something that he did not and he was pretty sure that was more than he bargained for. All of the things he told me about this woman, I was thinking if they were thirty years younger, this is someone that you would want to put on lock down and start a family with and make babies with. I get that certain people lack vision and they lack imagination for looking backwards or into the future. Some are truly stuck in the day to day, and other people’s baggage is something that they can’t escape. These are the same people who will be house shopping, and can’t see past the shag carpet and awful wallpaper, to see what it could be with a little TLC. As ,I’ve gotten older, it’s been more about grace. I realize that people are so much more than the sum of their past mistakes. Its not always about where people have been, as much as it is about where they are headed. If this were not true, then there would be no rags to riches story lines. Sometimes we have to remember that sometimes people overcome great adversity to achieve great self accomplishments. It may not seem like much on the surface, but we should never discount personal growth, or we may find ourselves like Tonio…stuck in a continual carousel of next one up, so I can find out how you are broken, but never taking the time to look in the mirror. He was talking about breaking it off with her after his birthday, more of his personal selfishness. Sometimes people let things slip out that they didn’t mean to, or subconsciously unaware of. As we set across the table from one another at the sports bar, he said, if she didn’t have all of that God stuff going on in her life, then she would be the perfect woman for him. In my head, I was thinking, how sad. She may not realize this but I think she would be dodging a bullet to be out of a relationship with him. I wish that I could tell you that our relationship went to the next level but sadly ,not so much! He had this brief moment of clarity and honesty, much like a person on their death bed, who has been in an out of consciousness do to painkillers before they pass. They sadly move on into eternity, while Tonio returns to a life of I’m fine just the way I am. I can’t imagine a life without personal growth on some level, but I guess its a real thing for some. Oh, yeah, before I leave, I have been reading you guys comments about the blog and me making your rebuttals public, and I’m getting to that I promise, it is just requiring a little more time than I have to spare at the present moment. It’s not that I’m afraid, it is an IT issues, which is not my strong suit, be patient and we will get there☺️☺️.
- Till next time ✌️ peace
- Sandy The Southerner
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