- NTOO- Not The Only One !
Post# 18
Not My Monkey !
Howdy,
Again I want to say welcome. - I want to warn you in advance, that I will be stepping on toes and upsetting some of you guys apple carts. The phrase or term ” Not My Monkey “, I believe is something that my daughter and I hit upon while we out some where, watching people’s misbehaving kids, I love to people watch. Yes, its a little disconcerting that we referred to someone’s kids as monkeys, but if they act the part, then isn’t it just calling a spade , a spade . The term has taken on a broader sense of various things across the spectrum. I could see someone out in traffic, driving very aggressively weaving in and out of traffic, and I would still say “not my monkey “. Don’t get this crossed with things not being your business , it’s more or less, saying Not on my watch! My daughter has her own little monkeys at this point, but they don’t misbehave in public . I’m often amazed at the things we loose or choose to be cowards about from one generation to the next. I will concede the point that some things out in the world on some levels are much harder than they have been in the past. Some of it to do with technology and how it has rapidly changed the world in which we live in. It’s extremely funny to see things go by the way side, such as pay phones, type writers, and newspapers are on the way out as well. I think its funny that many younger people have no idea or references point about somethings unless they are a student of history. And yes be grateful for Google 😀.This is not a new phenomenon, it happens with each generation. We don’t see blacksmith, elevator men, and soon the postman will be out as well. So my concession is out on the table, because once you could get a job digging ditches, but not so much anymore. So if this is not a new revelation, something else must have changed as well. We as Americans for the most part have always been an independent breed. We broke away from Great Britain and thumbed our noses at them, and since then have refused to be harnessed . We have all heard about go west young man, and make your stake in the world. Perhaps it is the old pull yourself up by your boot straps thing .I would argue the point, that this spirit of independence and adventure has or is slowly slipping away and becoming a distant memory. We are so far removed from the greatest generation, that to compare the current generation to them would be something completely foreign and alien. And yes alien as if from two different planets. We don’t work as hard as they did, and on some level, that is awesome. However, we have gotten to the one eighty of that, where some people just don’t work at all. Now, personally myself I don’t hate on people who are successful and gotten themselves in a position, where they can retire early, or travel at their leisure. I have always been of the mindset that we should applaud success and hope that it would encourage other free thinkers and innovators . Sadly , that is not the case, for much of the population. They envy and hate on people who have made something of themselves and created something that works for them and some parts of society. And yes, I’m aware of some who are born with the silver spoon in their mouths, but that is not whom I’m referring to here I’m talking mostly about people who see a need and they figure out a way to meet that need, and they make money at it and employ others others along the way. What I have observed is people who come out of college, or some other background and feel that they should immediately have the things that it took their parents twenty or thirty years to acquire. See, here is the rub and yes, I’ve been guilty of this as well. We want our kids to do better and have better than we did as we grew up. On the surface I do believe that we should improve with each generation, that use to mean something like my dad didn’t get to go to college, but he worked hard so his kids could. My friend out in Cali, referred to her daughter as a helicopter mom, and if she didn’t learn that behavior from her mother, where is the disconnect? I really mean we have many disconnects in our culture and much of it has to do with authority. When I was kid, if I got some kind of rebuke from a teacher, my folks would come along side with the teacher and try and figure out the best way to resolve things. However, now days the parents for the most part back their kids regardless of what the circumstances may be and their inexcusable behavior. It sends two bad messages, one their child feels empowered over the teacher and at the same time it cuts the figurative legs off of the teacher. There are bad everything, so don’t come at me about bad teachers. My best understanding of this is people who are called to teach, truly love what they do and they want to make an impact on the next generation. There is a dirty word that comes into play here, and that word is accountability. I think that teachers should be held accountable and paid more if they do a great job, but you can’t ask them to do that job with disciplinarian problems in the classrooms, because the parents think that their child is the anointed one. Asking them to do that is the equivalent of asking a fireman to put out a three alarm fire with a water pistol. At this point you may think that I have taken a serious detour, and wondering what this has to do with “not my monkey “? I can promise you that this is all related and has connectivity. Some of you may remember Dr. Phil doing episodes on parents who couldn’t get their adult children to launch out into the world. Whether they
are in your basement, attic, or out in the garage, you have lifers. Remember I already conceded that things can be rough out in the world, but these squatters often will not get or keep a job to say that some kind of progress is being made. And if they have some kind of part time gig, where they make enough money for beer and cigarettes, that doesn’t count as gainful employment. In there basic truest form, they are takers. I’m not talking about kids who have gone out and made a go of things and came back to the nest to regroup. The progression from the misbehaving kids as toddlers, to the kids, who become empowered over their teachers and other authority figures, because their parents feel as if this is a form of showing them love. This progression to the basement dwellers is a course that we should have see coming, but we refuse to look at the bread crumbs that we often put in place ourselves. We aren’t really doing our children any favors by setting them up this way in life. We wonder why so many young people have a poor work ethic, when their parents have gone out of their way to give them every possible advantage in life, but often in stead of being appreciated, it leads to a sense of entitlement. As I said earlier, I fell into this as well wanting to give my kids better than I had while growing up. On the surface, there is nothing wrong with this, but much of it comes down to execution. Here is my big confession in this and it’s probably something that many of you can relate to as well. While I was out working hard climbing the corporate ladder to get my kids more, they actually got less of me. It took away some of my effectiveness as a dad, and I Sometimes missed stuff. As in ball games, camp outs with the boys scouts, or a daddy – daughter’s dance . I would go one further , and not for me so much but some of you have missed first steps and other milestones that video just doesn’t do justice. I get that we have to provide for our families. We work extra or overtime to get that in ground pool, but we aren’t there to enjoy it with them, and this can create a vacuum , and it should force us to reexamine our priorities .. In the end its not about all of the stuff that we accumulate for ourselves and families, but the memories of missed opportunities. Truly our kids need and deserve more of us as parents than they often receive. Back to the monkeys, in our culture today the word “discipline ” carries a negative connotation with it, and sadly that is missing the point. Discipline should be to correct an action, attitude or behavior and it shouldn’t be looked upon as punishment. If you love your kids, you discipline them. This may be another one of my bad analogies, but its the one that popped into my head. If you have a dog, and you love that animal, you don’t let it run free throughout the neighborhood because you know that it may very well end up under someone’s car or SUV, so you put up a fence, or some other boundary to keep them safe and protected, and the same should be true of our kids. Freedom without responsibility is a recipe for disaster. Just think about when your teen first got behind the wheel of an automobile. I wish to say shame on you if you are one of those divorced parents who are competing with your ex , vying for your kids love and attention, just shameful. I have seen this play out with a couples late twenty something daughter, where they are covering everything, and I mean car note, cell phone, living expenses as in rent, and all the while the kid gives them disrespectful feedback. Why do we let our kids do and get away with things we could never do? Could you bring your boy/girl friend home for sleep overs under your parents roof?. You couldn’t do it with your parents but now you take the spineless position to say nothing or look the other way , and less go one better and allow them to bring pets with them as well when you aren’t set up for that. If you are like me, my parents weren’t perfect and they made their share of mistakes, but overall, did they do that poor of a job, that we need to tweak it to the 2.0 version, where anything and everything and everything goes?. I guess i should ask you to excuse me for crushing your toes here, but ask yourself this question, if you raise an irresponsible adult, and something heaven forbids happens to you, would you be comfortable with that child making decisions for you and your care? . If you aren’t sure about that one, it is never to late to make a course adjustment, but of course it will not be easy and without some pain, possibly fits of rage and some name calling. You have to own it, it is a monster that you have created and continued to feed over the years. Trust me, it didn’t just happen overnight. It goes back to them misbehaving out in public and you not having the courage to correct that for whatever reason. I know that we live in a day and age where people have video cameras and people like to make calls to the authorities, but at the end of the day, these little monkeys are yours and they go home with you. Ok, once again I’ve gone a little long and it’s time for me to climb down from my soap box. I get in other cultures that they may traditionally live with multiple generations under one roof and if you find yourself in a scenario where that is the case and everyone is contributing and functioning, that is great because as I said before, it can be tough out there, and inflation is a bitch sometimes, more times than not. And if you have this dynamic going on, please incorporate some of the other tenants of it , such as respect for the elders and understand that they usually posses great wisdom. I will further concede that sometimes as parents you can do everything absolutely correctly and the wheels still seem to fall of the cart. Kids are individual autonomous beings and they make choices in life every single day, just like we all do. I just want to encourage you, not to encourage them in some of their poor choices just for the sake of being supportive, that can very quickly lead to enabling them and you will find yourself in a vicious cycle. Being a parent is a very difficult job, it can be very rewarding and at the same time equally challenging and frustrating. God has placed a call on your life to raise them to be productive members of society, which means you have a responsibility to guide and correct them and this is much easier to do while they are little. I earlier mentioned about things that we have chosen to let go, or be cowards about, this one is for free, and I’m not going to charge you extra for it. Faith, regardless of what you may be or call yourself, be it Buddhist, Catholic, Muslim, Christian or the like, it is a cowards perspective to say that you are going to let your kids figure that out for themselves. The Only thing they can take from that is that you don’t believe in anything that is worth passing on to them which is extremely sad. Please take that same attitude and approach about drugs and drinking alcohol and see what it gets you. We wonder why there is such moral decay in the schools, our society and yes in our homes as well. It is disrespectful for your kids to have funny disrespectful names for you, we all do that towards our parents, but I knew better than to say it to their face, it was always under my breath and behind their backs, out of respect 😀.If you were unhappy with your spiritual upbringing, or it was completely absent from your home, go find something that works for you, so you can at least say that you made an effort. Our kids, just like us, exist, physically, emotionally, intellectually, but also spiritually. We all believe in something and one day you may be surprised that your kids believe that all old people should be put out of their misery. Look, I get it children come in all colors, shapes, sizes and temperaments . I raise two in the same home and they are different as night and day. One of them will cross every T, and dot every I, and the other one is going to touch the stove regardless of how many times we remind them that it’s hot😀. This hasn’t been an easy post, and no! I didn’t cover all of the bases, and we never can, so if you find yourself with some nuance or other little exception to the rule, that is great, and there will always be exceptions to the rule. Look, I love hearing from you guys, but please don’t flood my inbox with your gripes about me forcing you to look in the mirror , as I said some of this applies to me as well, but overall, we just need to be better and do better as a society, as a community, and most importantly as parents. I guess until next time, when I look forward to getting the toes on your other foot.😀
Until next time ✌️
Sandy The Southerner
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