“Alone In Dark”

Not For Me!

• Not The Only One!
• 06 Jan 25
• Post #172  
•        ” Alone In The Dark ”
  • Not For Me !
•               Howdy!
• Thanks for checking in and maybe  being a part of the conversation ☺️☺️ . When  was  the last time that you set alone in the dark? It may have been  a  thunderstorm that  took out  power. I usually find the Dark peaceful, but it’s usually with a  glass of something in my  and maybe something  soft playing in the background.  There was a time when  I  use to do that on a more regular  basis, but just  not alone☺️☺️. I believe that  we usually  have so many  distractions in life , such as the wash machine  going or dishwasher, maybe kids or grandkids  screaming which really  makes it  hard to find that solitude.  I mean  all of the notification from a cell  phone, it just  absolutely  has to be turned all the way off, just  so  that we won’t  be  tempted to  see why it’s lightning up, so on silent is just  missing the point  a little ☺️. To complete the experience, I’m going to  sit on the floor and  lean on the hearth from the  fireplace.  I haven’t  given  much  thought to  what a struggle it might  be to get  back up,☺️ so I  reach over and grab a throw  pillow from the  couch, and decide to just  settle in. This is me being  alone with  myself and my thoughts.  God  says to be still  and know!!☺️
• I know the rest of that verse, but we are going to  just  leave it open ended for now and  see if we can  double back  to it later. I want to tell you that  while at times , alone in the dark  can be very peaceful, it also has the ability to  be horrifying and to send a chill up your backside  that will  make You question  if the flume is opened or close ☺️☺️. It’s not the alone part or even  in  the  dark that’s frightening, but the places that my mind will  take me to. It’s hardly  ever about me sitting  on an exotic  beach  somewhere with   a  cold one in my hand. Occasionally  something with  my grandson’s, but more times than  not, it will drag me off as if it’s the ghost of  Christmas   past☺️☺️. I can  almost  hear the chains  dragging  on the floor as the highlight  reel  of all of my past failures is being  set up in high definition ☺️☺️. It’s almost  as if I’m not here  alone, but there is the presence of  another and it gives me chills much  worse than the open flume of the fireplace.  I’m alone, isolated and  probably  vulnerable beyond  my wildest dreams.  I have the sneaky suspicion that we have  met before and  that he means me no good. Something is trying  to cozy up next to  me , and it’s a huge box , just filled to the brim with  accusations. 
• My spirit is still  relatively calm, but not comfortable. As the accusations  begin to get unpacked, I’m trying to  find  something to  balance the scale with.  My mind runs to Jesus  stooping down and  writing in the dirt. At the moment that was the  biggest and deepest thing I could  think  of. I don’t  know what He was writing, I often  think that it was a list of the sins of the people who were accusing me. I see Him standing up after  being  pressed to condemn  me, and He say” He who is without sin, cast the first stone”. See I’m that person  caught  in the very act of adultery. I don’t know  how or why, they  dropped  their  stones and  slipped  away one by one,  from  the oldest to the youngest.  If I had to guess it would  be , because the older we get, the more opportunities  to sin and to   need forgiveness  all the more. I want to say that was a close one and  wipe the sweat from my  brow. Still the box is still  loaded with  stuff and  junk and some of it I had completely  forgotten about. A distant  memory  in the chamber of forgetfulness. Do you ever get  that really  uneasy  feeling that there is an unhealthy  surprise waiting on you? The rug is going to  be  pulled  out and  it doesn’t  really  matter  if you land on your head or your ass, because  it’s going to  be the most embarrassing thing ever. It’s one of those things where ninety-nine out of a hundred people  who know you, could  just  never see you doing  or even  begin to  imagine that you would  ever be a part of something  so cruel  or dark . I know that we all have those unique things, that  are our own personal hells. The potential is vast and  I  so wish  that I could  point a finger at someone  else  or at least use them as a human  shield.  Anything to deflect  the attention  from  me and this box of misdeeds. 
• The time is just  dragging  on and I  kick my foot against the  coffee table  to ensure  myself  that  this is no dream, but a nightmare  of proportions that  I  can’t begin  to imagine. The Accuser shakes the box’s like someone  looking for a prize in a cracker jack box. I wonder  what he thinks that’s  in there. There is this one thing, that I hope is so far at the bottom that it can  never be discovered. The accuser  begins  to unpack the box , one by one , I’m forced to relieve  some of my least  stellar moments.  It almost  didn’t  matter what it was, everything  fail into  one of two categories, and it was something  lousy  that I  had done or said, or it was me reacting  poorly  to something  that wasn’t  in my favor.  It was really  hard, actually  quite unbearable  to think  that I  had done and said such mean and wicked things to  another  human  being.
• About ten years ago, one of my girlfriends  from  work had invited me to  some concert  series  known as “Winterjam”. I didn’t  know the music, or the artist, just  the venue and my friend, and I  saw it as a chance  to get out. I had an experience at the concert and  it was a song that spoke to my heart and washed over my soul  and I just  began to cry.  At first  it was just a  few tears, then  a floodgate. I felt this love encompassing me that I  had never experienced before in my life. I don’t  want to  rush through  this , because  it was the day that my life was changed forever.  My friend  lead me through a simple  prayer  to ask Jesus  to forgive  me for my sins and to make  Him Lord of my life.  If, you are asking, then the answer is NO, I  didn’t  completely understand  it all, but what I did know  was that I was forgiven for all of my past mistakes.  I felt as if a burden  had been  lifted off of my shoulders.  Yes!, all  of that is absolutely true, so why am I sitting  here on the floor in this trash  heap?
• Each time the accuser pulled another  juicy  trinket from the  chest, I could  hear Jesus  saying  forgiven. I was beginning to  feel as if this was an exercise  in futility, but still  there was something  more going   on and uneasiness began to  creep into  my spirit. This is my secret  shame and  I  knew that there was just  this one thing  that I  knew God could  never forgive for. I know that is not truthful, but the truth is that I  could  never forgive myself.  In my spirit I  felt  as if there were two trains on the same track traveling in opposite directions, and there was going to be  a  collision. It’s almost as if the accuser knew what  my secret  shame was and why he was so desperately digging  so hard to the bottom of  the box. Low and behold it’s like my mind was being  read and guess what the next item out was. It’s was if it was an Ace of spades and  more so than a card, it was an extremely  well placed shovel with a  very  sharp point.  Oh !, it was a spade and it had the two prong intentions of separating  my heart in to and then doubling as something  to  bury me with.  It turns out that this really  is  the ghost of Christmas past.
• There is this something that I always  carry  with  me and as much as I  don’t  want it to be, it’s my deepest sorrow.  It’s the thing  that make me sad at a comedy  show, and the one thing that  makes me doubt God’s love for me. It’s often  one of my first  thoughts  in the morning and  last thoughts  at night, and I can’t  even  begin  to tell  you how many  nights that I just  cried myself to  sleep  over this. I knew for it to  be my first and last thoughts, that it was seriously taking up God’s place and time. It’s the one thing that I  continuously try to  give to God, but it sticks to me like  velcro. So ten years ago, I  met Jesus at a Christian concert, but ten years before that , I terminated a pregnancy.  I’m just  haunted by what I  did. When I  say haunted I  mean haunted.  I almost  constantly think  about  what she would  have  looked  like and who’s  eyes she would have had. I even  think about  if she would have  been  left handed or right, or maybe  both. I think about  what her first  words would have  been, and the color of her hair. It’s really really  hard to be around  people  who have  babies, and especially  if it’s a little  girl. I just  have this huge hallow ache, and it just seems to be always just a  breath away. It’s a shame that never ever  can be removed.  Sometimes when  I’m alone like  now, I can  even  hear a baby’s  cry or hear  them  calling  out mommy !. I have tried  so hard to bury it, to process it, and  all of my justifications for what took place  twenty  years  ago, just  seem so stupid, dumb and completely irresponsible.  I was in a desperate situation and  I  made a desperate  choice. It’s not something that you  just  walk away from.
• As bad as I  want to justify all of the qualifiers, as to where I was in my life, my situation and circumstances and who else was involved and  should have  played a part in this, it’s  completely  irrelevant and  the  utter betrayal of  anything having to  do with  motherhood. I had one job and  it was to fight for and protect my child and I  failed miserably. Over the years, I’ve met two other  women  who have walk a very  similar path and one of them  drinks like really  heavy and the  other  on anxiety and  antidepressants medication, so I guess I’m the lucky  one , because I  just  drown myself in my years. It’s like the gift that just  keeps on giving. Twenty years ago  I  had the shame and embarrassment of  being  an unwed mother, the father in the wind, and money barely  enough to  take care of myself, let alone a baby. Now!, I’m ashamed and embarrassed over what I did  to a poor unsuspecting child. I’m not trying to  drum up a support group, but I  suspect that there are other women out there with  very  similar  stories.  I so wish that I  had made a different  choice and that we were doing  mother- daughter things  such as shopping  together, she would have almost  been  Twenty one by now. They  say that You can’t  unspill milk….only  if it was something that simple. 
• God says that I’m forgiven, but how can  He forgive such a heinous act, and against  someone who  was completely  defenseless. ” Not For Me” , there can’t  be any  forgiveness for  me, not  on this one. There are times when  I  think  about  meeting  her one day in heaven and  will  she recognize me, will she  know who I am and how much I  have regretted that horrible decision and more importantly, will  she be able to  forgive me, because I  just  can’t  forgive myself and I  don’t  believe  that I ever will be able to  do so.
• My butt is beginning to  get  sore from  sitting  on the floor so long.  As I  peer through the  window from the floor, I can  see the moon. It’s full and it’s piercing the darkness.  It’s over! ,  there are no more atrocities to be pulled from  the box. Just as I had earlier  sensed another  presence in the  room with  me earlier, now there is another one, and it’s the spirit of God.  I somehow  felt strengthen and less oppressed.  I remember  feeling  this before and  it was the  same as it was at Winterjam ten years prior,   but this time it was stronger. I felt the embrace of God and  it was shielding me from the  attack of the* adversary . I hear people  talking  all the time about  spiritual warfare, but I had never  experienced  anything  like  this and to the degree, that it was playing with my  head. I  felt  as if  God  wanted to meet with me and  to encourage me. He shared with me that He had set me free from  all of it. He said that there isn’t  anything that His blood hasn’t   covered.  If He has forgiven me then I am free of all of it and that I was breaking  His heart  by not fully  excepting what He had  done for me on the cross. I don’t  have  the right to not forgive  myself, because  only  He can forgive  sins and I’m not God, and that’s not my job.
• There is something very  different  about  receiving a kind word  from God. It just  resonates on your soul.  It’s said with an irrevocable authority , that some how’s says that  it’s done, settled and  completely put to rest.  My struggles with  not being able to forgive myself, is God meeting  me at where I  am.  He already knew the pain of my heart and  it’s not what He desires for  me. He wants  me to live in complete freedom and  knowledge that He paid it all, and  that  there is no sin that can’t  be  forgiven.  It’s much like that very  night at the concert.  I don’t  understand it all , but I need to  have faith and be able to  trust  Him, if I  have  any chance at all  to  heal and be whole.  I  just so so desperately  want this to be one of those things that  God says  it and that settles it. I know there are just  so few times when  God will pluck us from  out of the  fire or a bad situation, but He promised to  be  with  me  every step of the way and that He would  never leave or forsake me. I have so much  to learn, and even  the  things that I  think I already  know  are incomplete or partial in my understanding.  Forgiveness  is huge and  if I  continue to  not to accept  what God has done for me, then I  keep  myself  a prisoner and  tied to  my past and a uniquely bad once in a life time choice. 
• It’s be still  and  know that He is God and  that  all things are  possible with Him. He is God and I am not and I  have  no  right  to resend  God’s grace towards  myself  or anyone  else.  I know that I’m not alone  here. There are others who have  made mistakes, it may not be the one that I  made, but we must  cut the thread of the common bond of not being able to  forgive  ourselves regardless of whatever it may be. Thank you for allowing me to share my story with  you. It probably  shouldn’t  come as a surprise  to  any of us that my leg have  fallen asleep  after  sitting on the floor for so long ☺️☺️
• Till Next Time ✌️ Peace!
• Sandy The Southerner

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