” Baghdad……No Bad Dads “

• Not The Only One!
• Post # 139
• 17 Jun 24
• • “‘Baghdad …No Bad Dads”
• Howdy!
• Welcome  one again  and  I  hope that  a box of kleenex  aren’t  required  for  this one here. The ideal  father  is  someone who places themselves after  everyone  else in the household. It makes a huge difference  if this is a  place that they  chose for themselves  instead of  being  just  relegated  to that position by other  dysfunctional and  out of sequence patterns  present in the home. I only  say that because  it’s  so easy  for us to get  it wrong  and  to have  the mom to elevate the kids over the husband and  for  the  dad to make  his work  more important than  the wife, kids and  home life  as a whole.  This  is  something  present  in a lot  of  homes  as we get  busy with  the  day to day, hustle and  bustle. It’s easy  to  do and if you  are  there, hopefully  it’s only  for  a season and that You will  hit the abort button before  you  find yourself on a  path to  self destruction. I wasn’t  there, but I  think  in the late fifties there was a show on TV  called “Father Knows Best “. It ran in the same  segment  as  ” Leave it to Beaver”, which  may have  been  slightly more popular or well known.  I’m not attempting to  drag us back  to  a time of racism and  division, oh wait! We are still there☺️☺️. It was a time  when the traditional  family  was  more the norm  than the oddity.  Some studies  suggest  that  the  traditional  family of  a  mom and dad living together  in  the  same home with  a  martial covenant  between  them  , represents less than twenty percent  of  the  homes and families  currently in  America.  🥲🥲The shows  where dad’s took the lead in the home are something  Best suited for the Smithsonian these days. ☺️We find ourselves living  in  an era where men have abandoned their  responsibility as head of the household  and  women  have been  forced to pick up the baton and  run with  it. Personally  I  believe  between  this shift  in roles and radical  feminism are both contributing  factors  to  all of the gender hysteria that we  see present  today, but we aren’t  here for that one  today.  I believe  that  both  the mom and dad have  a role to execute in the home and  it works  best , when it’s in tandem and  they are both  on the same page, using  the  same play book☺️☺️.
• Well the dad is supposed to  take  the role of a servant to his wife and  kids and they in turn  build  him up by giving  him  respect.  That’s  right  it’s the most important  thing to a man , but somehow  fathers have  become a  running  joke and a punch  line, for everything  that  is  wrong, and not just  in their own  homes.  Father’s are supposed  to  be providers and  protectors, they  are  supposed to  be  on the front  lines and a guard against  certain  things  entering the  home.  The stance  should be  ” over my dead body”. The man  of the home should  set the tone for  what his family  will  represent to the neighborhood and  community.  If the father  is  at the  ball field yelling  at  the  coaches and  the  refs, he’s teaching  his kids to disrespect  authority and  they  will  run  with  that to school and  even  at a dreaded midnight  traffic stop with a cop. It extrapolate outward, but we don’t  give it that type  of  consideration.  If the father  is  abusive  in some way to  the mother, be it verbal, physical, or emotionally, he is teaching  his boys not to respect  women  and  setting  his daughters   up to  just  expect less in life from  a potential  partner….so to settle. I’m not going  to  scarf at stay at home dad’s, which  is  not the same  thing  as working  from  home, people  find what works for them, but I  can  honestly  tell  you  that  each morning that she gets up and heads out into  the  work force, the respect level  for him diminishes just  ever so slightly.
• I know  that  some of this or a lot of this is so far from  where we are now, that it sounds so much  more like a fairytale  , than a blueprint  for a successful  home. I’m not telling  you  that  it’s easy, in fact with  the  pressures  to fit in and to not be the odd balls in  the  neighborhood, it’s extremely  difficult to  get  there and  to maintain  it, especially  during  the teenage years.☺️☺️  I will  tip my cap to my son in law, because  he gets this and frankly  I’m amazed.  I don’t  know  how he does what he does, but he is absolutely  that guardian at the door and stands prepared to  sacrifice  himself  if it comes to it , and to not use my daughter  as a human  shield ☺️☺️. So…how did we get here? Well some of you literary types out there may be familiar  with the  work of Charles  Dickens called ” A Tale of Two Cities ” , but this isn’t  that, but the tale of two souls. This is the tale of two different  individuals with  similarities, but also  some differences, and Separated by some thirty  years or so. The one thing that  unites their  stories is  that  they  both  had ” Bad Dads”. I think  sometimes  we  wrestle with  the  idea is it better  to  have  no dad in the  home opposed to  a badly broken  one. I think  regardless  of  where you come down  on that, it will  always  leave  you wondering about  the  other  option.  I wrote a  piece a while  back and talked about  how men don’t  naturally gravitate  towards  being  fathers  or at least  not a good one anyway. ☺️ There is something  both  magical and  maternal  with  women  after  carrying  a child  for nine  months or so. They  have  this bonding  experience  that takes place  inside  of  them.  Men don’t  have  that and if it’s not modeled for them in the home, most will  screw it up  somewhere  a long the way☺️☺️.
• Exhibit A is a female  who was raised  in  the  home , where the father  was both  physically and  verbally  abusive. He was  a heavy  drinker , and  as a whole  didn’t  really  enjoy  or value  his family and  felt more like  an unplanned  pregnancy  had trapped  him. She was the third of four children and  spent much of her childhood and  teenage years trying  to  stay  out of the way  of her  abusive  father.  There was no affirmation  in  the  home and  she both  felt as if she didn’t  matter and  that nothing  that she ever did was ever  good enough.  She learned  how  to  be invisible and  insignificant, the ultimate  under the radar. It was bad enough  that this was an era when  fathers weren’t  known  for  hugging  their  kids or telling  them  that they  loved  them, or any kind of encouragement to express  that they  were  a valued member of  the  family.  I think  the hugs were set up for off to college  and  the  day that they  were  given away in marriage. She spent  much of  her adult  life trying  to  figure  it  out  on her own.  She had two main goals in life and they  were  to do something that her father  would  notice and say that he was proud  of  her.  Her other great objective  in life was to ensure  that  she didn’t  become  her mother, who she always  felt  sorry  for, but never felt  brave enough  to  stand up to her father for,  because  she had seen  how that didn’t  go well  for one of her brothers. There is so much psychology here, but none  of  it  good. Her father  without  knowing  or caring  had set her up  for a lifetime  of  relationship  issues and  some of the Lowest   self esteem  imaginable.
• Exhibit B, is a male some  thirty years  later.  He was raised in  a  home, where both  parents  had unique  back stories, so trauma, which  they  were  mostly  unaware of.  This was a  kid with  a  sweet  spirit  about  him and an extremely  tender  heart, which  he went  out of his way  to  try and hide it. He was a kid that lived  in  the  shadow of  an older sister, who  always  presented herself  as  flawless☺️☺️. He was hugged on and told that he was loved, but he was a kid who always  wanted to  test the boundaries of that love. His father  had been  raised by a  pair of disciplinarian. His father  had one card to play as a parent  and  his son needed  the entire  deck ☺️☺️. Again I think that the era had something to  do  with it.  His father was a type A, where everything  has a place kind of a guy, but he married a woman  who was a free spirit and she   didn’t  share his ideas for  discipline….trouble, different  pages and different  play books☺️☺️. This was almost the  complete  opposite of  Exhibit A,  this  father  was extremely  focused on  his son, as he was vicariously  living  through  his  son and was  determined that  his son wouldn’t  make  the same mistakes in life , that he had blundered through  himself ☺️☺️. The son wasn’t  living  his best  life, but he was living  his father’s  best life.☺️☺️. There was so much  pressure  applied to  be the best. It didn’t  matter  what it was , everything  from academics  to sports. This was further  insulting because  his father  attempted  to  drown him in a heavy, heavy  dose of the southern  Baptist  lifestyle.  I really  don’t  think  that  it was as much of  the  lifestyle that got to him as it was that he got to see his father  away from  church and  there were some major  discrepancies there. ☺️☺️.
• I will  often  hear  people say that true life stories  , things based on real events are  so much  more  riveting , and perhaps  that’s true even  when  it a tragedy or some kind of * injustice. None of us get  to determine what kind of home life we are born into. These two souls were set a blaze and they  were both kindled by their  fathers.  The woman  went  all out to be the best of the best . She desperately went  from  one great  achievement to  the  next.  You named it and she had achieved  it , from professionally to great adventures and everything  in between.  She was  always looking for her father’s  approval and hoping that he would  notice her and be proud of  her.  She excelled at the top of her field and was over shadowed by the trauma  of  her early  home life.  She would  often  find herself  in  leadership roles, where she felt  disrespected by her male counterparts and  felt  as if they  were  overlooking her  and  that her contributions didn’t  matter.   She found ways to label  just about  all men as narcissist . She became  known  for having  a  huge chip on her shoulder.  She always  came  across  as  emasculating and  most men found  working  with  her to be abrasive  at best. She was constantly at war with  unsuspecting men , who had no idea of her trauma and troubling past.  She was extremely  determined  to not become  her mother. 
• The other  soul had many  of the same  challenges, but went completely  in the  opposite direction.  He was  looking  for  his father’s approval  as well, but took the path of least  resistance.  He set out to see how many  different  ways that he could  fail and absolutely prove to  his father  that he was not going  to  follow  in his footsteps as  an anal everything  in its place  kind of guy.☺️☺️ He did his best to try and check out and to show  his father that he could  survive  by doing  the  absolute  minimum that life required. He would constantly  turn down promotions  at work  sighting  that he didn’t  want  the  extra responsibility. He engaged in all sorts of risky and  dangerous  behaviors  as to just  state that  he had  nothing that he cared about, not even  his own self existence. Despite  being  highly intelligent, he refused to  use  any of it,  to slightly  persuade  him  into   becoming  anything  like  his father.
• They both  struggled in their  personal  relationships, which  often  ended  in heart  break and disillusionment . Even  when  they  tried to mix things up and  try to do something  different, the results  were the same and they  both had a love/ hate relationship  with their  fathers, they  never connected the dots to it being  the culprit  to their  dysfunction.  They  never  experienced  real love, not that they  weren’t  loved, but they  had never experienced it, so they  didn’t  know  how to give or receive  real  love. Authentic love could have  punched them  in  the  face and  they still  wouldn’t  recognize  it  for what it is, because  the number  one  gift that their  fathers  had entrusted  to  them  , was the gift of not being  able  to  trust anyone.  They  were  both  cynical and  angry.  They  hid it well, but it always  simmered just  beneath the  surface. I will  say that they both  experienced  some form of abuse  from  their  fathers that had lasting  ramifications across  the  board. They  didn’t  know how to love, trust or commit to  things or to people. They  always  started out with excitement and  zeal, but always  would  crash and burn and often sabotaged  by their  own  hands and ill preparedness of what a normal  relationship looked like or functioned.  The kicker was that with  all of the moxie that they  showed, they  were  both very insecure  people.
• This is largely  a  tragedy and heart breaking, but it doesn’t  stand alone.  It’s another  one  of  these situations with  bad family traditions.  We shouldn’t even  think  of  them  in terms of traditions, but more like  horror  stories that are passed from  one generation to the next. I’ve been  on record  before  about  not excusing   bad behavior, but I  can  almost  one hundred  percent guarantee that  both  of  these fathers  had some kind  of  trauma  while  they  were  growing up, and without  some kind of intervention, both of these souls will  pass dysfunction  on to their  off spring  as well. I know  for a fact that there have  been attempts made at fence  mending over the years , but they  don’t  know  how  to navigate  or more so important , trust that the change is  real and  authentic.  I’m not suggesting that  the  fathers  haven’t  changed  over the years, but their  children  don’t  know  how to trust. This is further*   complicated  by them not trusting  themselves.  There father’s lack of love and support  over the years  has lead them not to be able  to  trust  themselves and their own judgment.   Every decision is  second guest, and they  usually  chose the harmful  over the helpful .
• There are just  so many contributors to  point to why they have both  lived a life in crisis. They  both  have self esteem  issues.  They  both  believe  on some level  that they  are  not  worthy of  love and being  cared  for. They  both have  deep, deep  trust issues. They  both possess  a  toxicity  to them, which  is  smothered in sarcasm and  bitterness.  They  both  are deeply  malnourished in  what healthy  relationships with  boundaries  looks like. And the number  one thing  that  has contributed to  a life In crisis, is that they  both  walked  away  from the early years of their  faith  story. See, this is classic, if we have jacked up earthly fathers , then it’s almost  impossible  for  us to make the bridge to  us having a  heavenly  Father who loves us.  The imprint is there, bad dad’s, bad God or no God!  Even  if  there is some semblance of belief in  a deity or a God, it’s marked with  all if the same  trust issues  that they  have  with  their  earthly  Dad . If God is God, then  why didn’t  he  intervein  when her mother  was  being  slapped  around  by her dad.? Why didn’t  God intervein when  his father with  his perfectionist gallop was Crushing  his Young spirit? Everything  becomes  God’s  fault and if  he can’t  do, what  they  believe  that He should  have  been doing, what good is He? What possible  us could  I have  for a God like  that? More rejection and  not being  loved or feeling  protected, just  more vulnerabilities that need to be hidden  away somewhere in  a trench.
• These are all really  good questions and I  can’t  even  begin  to  think  of  anything  that would  begin  to  speak to   or answer questions  about  God’s  sovereignty. I believe  that  everything  happens  for a reason, even  if  we don’t  know  what  those  reason  are.  I think  that  if God did take the time to tell  us , that it would  still  be  way to much for our finite little  brains.☺️☺️ I  know that  In my own life that God doesn’t  waste pain and  that  every one of our single  tears are important to  Him. Sometimes  He is building  something inside  of  us that we are unaware  of  , and it’s like  a new muscle  group that you never used or had access  to  before.  She became  strong  and  tough  just  observing what her mother  endured, and sometimes  we never get to know  the why. All I know  for sure is that we are all broken  people, every  single  one of us, some more than  others, but none of us are  flawless without the  love of God.
• Till Next Time ✌️ Peace!
• Sandy The  Southerner

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