NTOO- Not The Only One !
Post# 13
BROTHERHOOD !
Howdy!
And once again I say welcome aboard. This may be a strange post for some of you out there in the audience, and when I get to the strange part,,I will point it out for you. I have heard some of you saying, put on your big boy pants and stop whimpering over Ms. Annomuis . And yes there are some who want more of that and I can assure you that will happen somewhere in the near future 😀. When I was a teen and through out my twenties and thirties, I never entrusted myself to guys. What I mean by that is, my relationship with other men was always superficial, and kept at an arms distance. The reason behind that was because guys for the most part only let you in to that level. They can talk about sports, cars, their jobs , and women, but mostly in a derogatory manner. I am by no means telling you that I’m better than that, and that I haven’t occasionally participated or laughed at a little off colored humor. What I am saying is that I’ve never built a lasting deep friendship based on that criteria. We as men are who we are, and I’m over fifty,,so most of us were not raised with touchy – feely ideas. Actually the opposite is true, we were told that we had to be tough to make it in the world. We were raised with real men don’t cry and show emotion, at least not unless it was the death of a parent or some other life event of equal magnitude. Masculinity was on full display and sometimes a little bit out of control, but we knew who we were. There is such division now about that and sadly, little boys are told to play with dolls and little girls with trucks. I guess on the surface, there is nothing inherently wrong with that,,but some people have agendas, and with all of the gender confusion out there, I can’t but help think that our kids and future generations will pay a sever price for that, however that is not what this post is about…maybe another time. Back to entrusting myself to other guys. That process got turned on its head back in 1995. I was in my thirties and I had gotten myself back into church after becoming a young dad. I’m not telling you that it was a mindless gesture and that I was taking my kids to church because that is what was done to me, or that there was pressure from parents or some other external force. What I am telling you is that, I needed help in being a good dad, and I knew that it wasn’t something that I could do on my own. I needed God in this equation, because I knew what a hellion I had been as a kid, and how easy it is to mess up parenting. So in 1995,,there was this movement sweeping across the country known as ” Promise Keepers”. Its platform was to teach and encourage men to become better husbands and fathers. I knew that was something that I desperately needed and by the turn out of thousands of other men, I was not alone. Their main vehicle for this was stadium events, much like a rock concert, except it was to meet with God and to be sperred on in your quest to be better and more for your family. I’m not going to go into detail here for the sake of time,,you can Google it if you need more information about “Promise Keepers “. I want to focus and talk about the relationship(s), that came forth from that. I was paired in a room with a gentleman who I didn’t know and had never seen before,,but we were from the same church. I know me, so he was the wild card in the equation. My thought process was hoping for an airplane experience, where we just both pretend that the other didn’t exist and we could turn off the lights and just go to bed, but…not so much! We had already gotten back to the hotel late, because the stadium event didn’t end until after 10pm. I don’t know what kind of twilight stuff happened that evening,,but he introduced himself to me as Larry, and the honest to God truth, next thing I knew it was 4 or 5 in the morning. We had been up all night talking and getting to know one another, yep, just like women 😃.We shared about our wives and kids, and yes we talked shop, or about our jobs. He was a real man’s man, the hunting, fishing, building stuff with your hands kinda guy. We immediately hit it off that night, it was as if a switch had been flipped on, that I didn’t even know existed. People sometimes talk about divine appointments, and this one was mine. It’s as if God knew exactly what I needed and He brought Larry into my life. I had never had that before, we could just be honest with one another, no pretense or measuring one another up, just acceptance and love. I can only think of one other time when God did something instantly miraculous in my life, and it had something to do with me and a fear of visiting sick and dying people in hospitals and may be we can cover that at some other time, as well. Don’t be naive here, just because I said that I could only think of one other instance, doesn’t mean that there aren’t more and other ways that God has shown up for me, this is just something that was instantaneous, or overnight if you prefer. My history with other men was about to change in a big way and for a lifetime. See, I was never a follow the leader kind of guy, never bowed to peer pressure, never did things just because everyone else was doing it. I kinda March to the beat of my own drum. While I can’t tell you that the lone wolf approach has always worked for me , I was not lead astray into other guys drama and it was like all I really knew. That all changed with Larry, he is ten years older than myself, and I just recently discovered that he is actually eleven years older, and his birthday is the day before mine. These stadium events were followed up by small groups, which was also different for me. Most of the time in church setting the guys let their wives do all the talking and hopes that she doesn’t share something to embarrassing. Now its just guys, no women as wingman to hide behind. Its not a news flash that men don’t share and open up like women do, but over a period of time, when and where they feel safe,,the process closely resembles what women do. Over the years I have been a part of several small groups and have even had the pleasure of leading one or two. This is the part that gets a little strange. See, these men, who I call brothers would do anything for me, and I would for them as well, including the shirt of off my back. The strange part is that I have four biological brothers and they are not as close to me as these men are. If you have not experienced this, the closest thing I can think of is maybe military buddies that you have served with, or maybe the closeness you see with cops or the fire department. Its really amazing being able to share with another man without false pretenses. It ok to be not ok. Usually when people ask us how we are doing ,we lie and say fine, even if our whole world is crumbling around us. I have to confess that, when my world was crumbling around me with my wife and I, I shyed away out of pride and it proved to be lethal. I allowed myself to be isolated and that is not usually a good thing, we get inside of our own heads without proper counsel. As my wife and I were allowing the ink to dry on the divorce decree , I once again sort out a brother,,his name is Kevin and he is a proud buckeye. We sort out a couple of other guys and formed another small group, which I have been a part of for the last dozen years or so. I’m not telling you that everything is perfect in life, but what I am saying is that people can’t help you if they don’t know what is going on with you, or that you are hurting. So , let’s bring this full circle, last week, one of the guys who joined the group a year or so ago, big guy, a cop, broke down in tears crying over marital problems, confessing that he hasn’t always been the best husband. Its a safe place and for most people, they hit a rough patch at some point. Here is where God steps in and supercede all of our inadequacies. I have been there and God used me and my unique perspective of someone who didn’t fair well, when I had to cross that bridge. God doesn’t waste pain. I got the chance to step in and share with him , some of my mistakes and things that I should have handled differently. I think that sometimes we are to close to the situation and never take a step back to be objective. I know for myself, I was interested in winning, but if we don’t win as a team, we loose as a couple . The big lesson here is, that you don’t always have to be right. Its true what they say about hindsight, things become so much clearer, but sometimes not in time to right the ship. I will confess that I thought I was a pretty good husband, but God said, not so much! I did all of the things that I thought mattered. I paid the bills, always had a pretty good job, was faithful, did the majority of the shopping and the cooking. I did my own laundry, because I didn’t trust her with it, took care of the yard work, and pretty much maintained things. She was a stay at home mom for most of our married years. So, from my perspective, I did my share, yes I would be a little frustrated when I got home and the house looked like, well,,let’s just say not tiddy. I always thought that we were a pretty good team , but we had some external forces that took a toll, and we didn’t agree on handle those, and there was a tear in our union. Another story for another time. It was years later, that God revealed to me that all those things that I thought that I was being so generous about, was just a base line. Those were just a starting point on the ground floor and you build from there. I really missed the boat with some of the emotional support stuff, and we were both good at being selfish and pig headed, not a good combination for a successful marriage. Getting back to my brother from group, I shared much of this with him, and told him its about swallowing that pride, and all about serving his wife. Yes, serving, not servicing 😃, and yes there is a difference, especially to women. I’m probably a little long here as usual, so just let me say, if you have never had a relationship with other men, and could be your honest self, with all of your warts and scars, then you don’t know what you have been severely missing from your life, and I would encourage you to seek it out , because you would be blessed by it. And its a win- win situation, because we still get to talk sports and classic autos. I know that I breezed through, or glossed over some of the details of the small group, but the things covered there, have to stay confidential, so people can maintain it being a safe place to share and open up. You can send me an email with questions and there are a ton of resources online about starting a small group. Until next time ✌
Sandy the Southerner
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